Trump: “Mayor Pete Should Take Lessons On Christian Marriage From Me”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump published a controversial series of tweets this morning implying Pete Buttigieg’s marriage is not as Christian-values-oriented as his own.

The following are Mr. Trump’s tweets:

“Mayor Pete is very nice, and I’m sure his husband is a nice guy, too, but the Christians aren’t very happy! They think Mayor Pete should try to be more religious like President Trump, and I don’t blame them. My marriage is so God-focused that you wouldn’t believe it if you knew how Christian it was!”

“Melania and I spend a lot of time reading the Bible together, trust me. And I was very relieved to read some of the stories in there! There’s a lot more infidelity than I thought there’d be, and even some incest! Like that guy Lot, whose daughters got him drunk and then seduced him and had his babies. (Ivanka, are you reading this?)”

“Me and Melania had Barry or whoever, and he’s a good looking kid, but can you imagine if me and Ivanka had a kid? And what if it was a girl? With Ivanka’s legs and jugs, and my hair and healthy skin glow, that would be something! Too bad the New Testament had to come along and forget about all the incest stuff! Those were Bible morals I would totally follow!”

“But, like I said, my marriage is totally Jesus-central. When I paid off those porn stars, it was because I DIDN’T do anything with them. I only went to their rooms to try and convert them to Christianity, but it didn’t work. You know me, I’m just very humble and don’t make a big deal about everything, so I paid them each a hundred thousand dollars or so to not tell anyone I said prayers for them!”

“I would never cheat on Melania. I might say some locker room talk here and there, but it doesn’t count in locker rooms. Jesus doesn’t listen in locker rooms because that’s where men take showers and get undressed, and Jesus isn’t gay… unlike Mayor Pete who is so gay that he likes men! That’s about as gay as it gets!”

“Mayor Pete may be committed to one spouse and take seriously his marriage vows to God about the whole till-death-do-you-part stuff, but God gave me a pass because my ex-wives got older and turned ugly. I have a brand to protect! Who would want to go to my hotels and golf courses if I had some forty-something hag hanging around?”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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