Trump Just Realized Slowing Down The Mail Will Delay His Adderall Deliveries

Washington D.C.—

In a stunning political development, President Donald Trump has suddenly reversed his administration’s recent actions dismantling the efficiency of the United States Postal Service (USPS).

“All it took was for Trump’s Adderall delivery to not arrive on time,” explained a White House staffer requesting anonymity to discuss internal deliberations of policy. “When Trump’s speed pills still hadn’t arrived by yesterday afternoon, he called up Postmaster General Louis DeJoy and demanded that the Postal Service stop removing mail sorting machines and mail drop-off boxes around the country. He also commanded the military to treat the country’s delayed mail as a matter of national security so that he could funnel $30 million of military discretionary spending toward improving USPS effectiveness.”

According to several of Trump’s top advisers, the President has been very moody while suffering drug withdrawal symptoms from his lack of Adderall pills.

“I’ve never seen Trump so emotionally volatile,” said one adviser. “He’s been exploding at everyone lately. He started screaming threats to tweet out Lindsey Graham’s dark, dirty secrets on the golf course the other day when Senator Graham was three strokes ahead of him in their golf game, he threatened to sue Brad Parscale for a billion dollars per vote he loses Florida by, and he told Bill Barr he’d ‘grab him by the pussy’ if Michael Cohen’s book gets publicly published. He even snapped at Ivanka when she came into the Oval Office wearing her wedding ring, which Trump hates because he doesn’t like to be reminded that he can’t divorce Melania and marry his daughter for a litany of legal, political and incestual reasons.”

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