- 3-way tie between his father, sharks and humiliation.
- The unveiled reality that he is not rich and has been beholden to foreign oligarchs all along.
- One of his wives or mistresses poisoning him.
- Barron and Melania mocking him in Slovenian. When he enters the room, she motions at his crotch and they laugh. Melania has dozens of compromising photos of him naked, and has given several to Barron as an insurance policy to stay in the will after Melania divorces Donald.
- His children ruthlessly fighting over whatever he leaves behind because, despite appearances, it won’t be much. He worries Ivanka will dismember Eric and Don Jr., and then mail the body parts to Barron and Tiffany as a warning not to f*** with her.
- His hairline’s betrayal, and his biggest regrets are the hair implant procedures he desperately tried out back in the 80s before they were effective or cosmetically sound.
- Making more business mistakes like Trump Vodka. He thinks Trump Steaks would have sold better if they came with pre-packaged, freeze-dried ketchup on them like he wanted.
- Donald Jr. ruining the Donald Trump name—he wishes he had instead named Ivanka “Donaldina” as his eponymous heir.
- All the future films and TV series that will undoubtedly mock his mannerisms, facial appearance, vanity, and gluttony of personality vices.
- He doesn’t know how or why, but Angela Merkel, Megyn Kelly, and Nancy Pelosi make him feel small and emasculated.
- All the people he has forced or bribed into signing non-disclosure agreements spilling their secrets all at once because he can’t sue them all at the same time.
From The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!