What Scares Donald Trump

Donald Trump is afraid of spiders, his father and dying alone, penniless, and humiliated.

He hopes to stay in office long enough to die while president to avoid his inevitable indictments, prison time, and the unveiled reality that he is not rich and has been beholden to foreign oligarchs all along.

He knows if he has a fourth wife following Melania’s coming divorce, she will loathe him and he’ll constantly have to make sure she isn’t poisoning him.

Barron and Melania mock him in Slovenian. When he enters the room, she motions at his waist and they laugh. Melania has dozens of compromising photos of him naked, and Barron has referenced them.

He knows his children will ruthlessly fight over whatever he leaves behind because, despite appearances, it won’t be much. He worries Ivanka might dismember Eric and Don Jr. and mail the body parts to Barron and Tiffany as a warning not to f*** with her.

He feels his hairline betrayed him, and his biggest regrets are the hair implant procedures he desperately tried out back in the 80s before they were effective or cosmetically sound.

He regrets ever putting his name on Trump Vodka. He thinks Trump Steaks would have sold better if they came with pre-packaged, freeze-dried ketchup on them like he wanted.

He wishes he never named Donald Jr. after himself, but had instead named Ivanka “Donaldina” as his eponymous heir.

He has always been jealous of Jared Kushner and Jared’s family for being actually rich. And jealous of Jared for getting to have kids with Ivanka.

He gets pissed off every time he thinks of all the future films and tv series that will undoubtedly mock his mannerisms, facial appearance, vanity, and gluttony of personality vices.

He doesn’t know how or why Angela Merkel, Megyn Kelly, and Nancy Pelosi make him feel small and emasculated.

He is disgusted in how much money he has spent on sex.

From The Halfway Post vault:

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