Mitch McConnell’s Darkest Secrets

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)
  1. McConnell hates puppies, and his least favorite breed is the golden retriever. Big eyes, heads, and disproportionate limb sizes—objective displays of cuteness indicative of infancy in most mammals—have never warmed his heart.
  2. He has always been envious of popular people, starting in high school.
  3. He likes to secure power both political and personal quietly and methodically in the background.
  4. He thinks his spirit animal is a black widow spider.
  5. He hates nicknames, references to Moscow, and being compared facially to a turtle.
  6. He hates having to go back to Kentucky to campaign and having to talk to Kentuckians in general.
  7. He thinks he would have made a great Confederate tactician in the Civil War, and with his calculating strategies the South would have won.
  8. He understands fully that America needs reform, but he knows his cynical Machiavellian Constitutional subterfuge is what will write his name in bold in history books.
  9. He thinks Paul Ryan got too much credit for Congressional action that he should have been recognized for.
  10. He had a crush on his cousin when he was younger and hated fitting into the Kentuckian stereotype.
  11. He hates Donald Trump personally, but appreciates Trump’s sway over racists.
  12. If it were up to him, he’d change the Republican Party’s mascot from an elephant to a hissing possum with rabies foaming in its mouth.
  13. He writes fan fiction in his free time during Congressional recesses about a fictional Nazi Party member named Mitchell Müller who helps orchestrate Hitler’s grasp of power.
  14. His greatest fear is that Kentuckians will realize he’s been representing them in the Senate for almost 40 years and he’s done nothing concrete to improve their lives.
  15. Despite various photo-ops holding assorted guns, he has never actually fired one. He prefers to practice choking people to prepare for the potentiality of a rebellion against the government most associate with the Second Amendment.
  16. He once got caught jerking off in the turtle room at the Louisville Zoo.

From The Halfway Post vault:

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