Trump Wishes He Had Named Ivanka “Donaldina” As His Eponymous Heir Instead Of Don Jr.

Washington D.C.—

According to inside accounts, President Donald Trump regrets naming Donald Trump Jr. after himself, and if could go back in time he’d name Ivanka after himself instead.

“President Trump thinks Don Jr. is a bit of a loser, and he says all the time that he just knows Don Jr. will ruin the name in the history books,” said a close confidant of the President, who requested anonymity. “He thinks right now the Trump name is synonymous with charity, kindness, humility, and compassion, but that Don Jr. will make the name synonymous with greed, hate, stupidity, and ignorance. He thinks Ivanka, in contrast, has the ‘Trump Factor’ as he calls it. He’s always comparing Ivanka’s face and body to Don Jr.’s flabby thin arms, his beady little black eyes, and his dumb face that somehow always looks at all times like he’s in the middle of peeing his pants. He wishes he had named Don Jr. something different, like ‘Ralph’ or something. Sometimes President Trump sits in cabinet meetings just saying ‘Donaldina Trump’ to himself over and over. Then he excuses himself to the bathroom and doesn’t come back for twenty-five minutes.”

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