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- Jared Kushner is reportedly pissed his lawsuit threats against Vanity Fair didn’t scare them into retracting their reporting of his laundered foreign bribes because his lawsuits couldn’t possibly be backed up by the financial records he’d have to disclose in discovery.
- A reporter just asked Donald Trump, “You said you didn’t know who moved Ghislaine Maxwell to a comfy prison, but that was over a year ago. Have you found out yet? Will you move her back? Don’t you think it makes you look guilty, and suggests you’re going to pardon her?”
- A White House staffer said, “If you think Trump sounds gay rating men’s bodies at his rallies, you wouldn’t believe the homoerotic things he says behind closed doors or on golf courses when everyone around him has signed one of his famous billion dollar NDAs.”
- JD Vance’s office would like citizens to stop sending them hundreds of letters a day with printed out news articles about Trump using the presidency to enrich himself, and also for the person sending 6-ft original, photorealistic paintings of JD Vance having graphic, sweaty sex with various pieces of furniture to please stop as well.
- Trump is reportedly pissed because his lawyers just explained to him how pardoning all his staffers means they can no longer plead the 5th to protect him when Democrats subpoena them next year.
- Steve Bannon is reportedly worried that the “shit-flooding” MAGA movement he did more than anyone else to create is about to be obliterated by a blue wave midterm and a bigger blue wave 2028.
- Trump is reportedly furious after seeing the clip of Barack Obama making fun of him, not because of the joke about his decor style being a mix of Saddam and the Cheesecake Factory, but because the crowd is 20x the crowd he can get even when paying the attendees.
- ICE agents are reportedly beginning to realize that the Democratic blue wave means their $50,000 bonuses are never coming.
- Vivek Ramaswamy, wearing an Ohio flag shirt and an Ohio State hat, was reportedly overheard muttering under his breath multiple times, “I fucking hate this state,” during his campaign events this weekend.
- Trump, after watching Obama give another speech mocking him, reportedly demanded Natalie Harp immediately give him AI videos of prostitutes peeing on Obama’s bed, but she got locked out of her account after trying too many prompts for illicit content.
- Vivek Ramaswamy has reportedly turned down an offer by the Ohio Chapter of the Association of Wrongly Accused Rapists to hold a fundraiser for him to make up for how many corporate donors have ghosted him over his instantly infamous rape ad telling the AWAR representatives “now is not a good time.”
- A reporter asked Trump, since his new schtick is describing at length how bangable or ugly the candidates he’s campaigning for are, how he’d rate his own body, and Trump said, “9.7.”
- Friends of Elon Musk are reportedly worried he’s going to have a mental breakdown if Democrats win control of Congress, disappear for several days, and then be found naked on an Austin street corner high on ketamine.
Which headline was your favorite? Tell me in the comments!
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