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- Trump is reportedly demanding his staffers find out how much money Barack Obama is offering in Craigslist ads for his rally crowds to get so huge, and his staffers are just making up numbers because he won’t believe Democrats don’t have to pay.
- One Republican Senate candidate says Jared Kushner’s laptop should be off-limits for criminal investigations, and another believes, “We need to stop all these tit-for-tat politicized investigations of presidents’ kids’ laptops.”
- Trump is reportedly planning on throwing Jared Kushner under the bus and doing his trademark strategy of declaring that Jared was just a coffee boy, and then several weeks later saying, “I think he married one of my daughters a long time ago,” and then several weeks after that saying, “I have no idea who this Jared Kushner is.”
- Friends of Elon Musk are reportedly worried he’s going to crash out hard if Democrats win control of Congress because his entire business empire is being held up by the government not investigating or prosecuting his fraud and chronic corporate law-breaking, and his threats against Democrats are getting increasingly manic with war-referencing vocabulary. Also he’s rumoredly walking around everywhere with a katana now and a karate black belt he didn’t earn.
- Trump is reportedly pissed his Russian business partners on his Alaskan gas deal didn’t use enough shell companies to hide the fact that Trump was letting Russian oligarchs reach their tentacles into the Alaskan energy industry.
- The Florida state senator currently trying to ban pictures of nude statues like Michelangelo’s David from school art textbooks has a pair of “truck nuts” hanging from his truck’s tow hitch.
- Jared Kushner is reportedly hoping everyone forgot about his treasonous bribery allegations over the weekend so he can go back to negotiating with Iran and Ukraine on Monday without anyone mentioning his billions of dollars in Russian, Saudi, UAE, and Israeli bribes.
- Georgia Republicans are accusing Dr. Fauci’s COVID vaccines of flipping a neuron circuit in vaccinated voters’ brains to control them into voting for Democrats, and they’re urging voters to use leeches to suck the vaccines out of their blood before they vote for Ossoff.
- A “Women For Trump” spokeswoman says the Trump family has been creating jobs for women for generations going back to when Trump’s great grandfather Friedrich Trump ran a brothel during the Canadian Gold Rush.
- A viral TikTok get-out-the-vote trend has GenZ women posting videos of themselves dancing in bikinis with their “I voted” stickers covering their belly buttons with the caption, “Headed to the beach for a straight-ticket-Democrat blue wave!”
- Top Trump Administration staffers are reportedly beginning to worry that Trump’s demands that no one regulate or even slow down the development of AI will look really bad when AI ruins the entire Internet, hacks everyone’s bank account and steals all the money, and leaks everyone’s browser histories.
Which headline was your favorite? Tell me in the comments!
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