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- SNL reportedly wants to let Barack Obama host this coming Saturday’s “Weekend Update” by himself to roast Donald Trump mercilessly for the entire 10-minute segment.
- A top GOP official is warning that if Democrats win Congress he expects “a mass exodus of Trump staffers resigning and walking straight into Democrats’ Congressional offices looking for immunity deals, or news companies’ headquarters to give quotes on who to blame.”
- The biggest Halloween trend this year is Hispanic families across America putting pictures of Stephen Miller’s face on the heads of all their vampire themed decorations.
- Top ICE officials say Trump’s executive orders and Stephen Miller’s explicit policy directions give them no choice but to arrest Flávio Bolsonaro, lock him up for weeks in a detainment camp, and then deport him to Sudan.
- Israeli politicians calling for freezing Jared Kushner’s Israeli bank account, confiscating his illicit bribe money, and ending all of Netanyahu’s funding of pro-Trump groups and Republican super PACs reportedly had a last minute surge in the Israeli polls.
- Just days away from the election, Trump spend the entire morning ranting to his staffers about how actor Noah Wyle was named “Sexiest Man Alive” by People Magazine instead of him.
- Some Democrats in Congress are reportedly open to the idea of negotiating an Iranian peace deal that extradicts Jared Kushner to Iran to stand trial for war crimes in exchange for opening the Strait of Hormuz.
- Trump is reportedly terrified if Benjamin Netanyahu can’t remain prime minister his Epstein pedophile tapes Mossad has will leak out.
- Military officials are reportedly working on a “flawless plan” with Congressional Democrats to sign an Iran Deal that will open the Strait of Hormuz in exchange for an operation where War Department staffers tell Pete Hegseth he’s being flown to Tennessee to be picked as Marsha Blackburn’s Senate replacement on a plane with a fully stocked open bar so he blacks out and doesn’t realize he’s actually flying 18 hours directly to Tehran where upon landing he’ll be arrested and tried for war crimes.
- Benjamin Netanyahu will reportedly join Flávio Bolsonaro in America if he can’t form a governing coalition to stay prime minister, and Donald Trump will meet with them at Mar-a-Lago on November 4th after the midterms for all three to have a week-long pity party together.
- Jared Kushner is reportedly worried Rex Tillerson will sue him for accepting foreign bribes to manipulate Donald Trump into firing Tillerson as Secretary of State, and forcing the disclosure of all of Kushner’s financial and communication records for legal discovery.
- Several of the biggest gangs in major swing state cities have reportedly called a truce for the next week so they can jointly organize quick response squads to scare away ICE or other federal agents trying to intimidate voters, tamper with ballot boxes, or steal votes.
- Flávio Bolsonaro was reportedly overheard telling his security while at Mar-a-Lago last night, “What is with all the women’s faces here? Brazil is the plastic surgery capital of the world, but these women scare me.”
Which headline was your favorite? Tell me in the comments!
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