Paid subscriptions for $2.50 a month are what allow me to write joke headlines all day 😉
- JD Vance’s staffers are reportedly planning for the possibility that Donald Trump uses his failing health to resign after the midterms, and then starts blaming President Vance in the spring for ruining the “perfect economy” he left Vance, and also for “losing the Iran War” that Trump “was days away from winning.”
- A White House insider says Trump’s “Blue Wave Midterm Plan A” involves stealing ballots and filing hundreds of frivolous lawsuits like expected, but his “Plan B” is to start wearing a military costume and invade Iran so he can charge all his political enemies with “aiding the enemy.”
- Trump is reportedly “fuming” that Barack Obama keeps mocking him at rallies despite how “kind, respectful, and civil” he has always been to Obama.
- Flávio Bolsonaro was reportedly overheard telling his security while at Mar-a-Lago today, “What is with all the women’s faces here? Brazil is the plastic surgery capital of the world, but these MAGA Florida women are frightening!”
- Islamophobic Trump voters are reportedly beginning to realize that Michigan Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed doesn’t have a private jet, or dozens of business connections, crypto deals, and arguably treasonous bribes sitting in foreign bank accounts from Middle Eastern countries like Trump and so many people in his Administration do.
- Several digital streaming companies have reportedly begun a bidding war to produce an hour long comedy special by Barack Obama full of jokes about Trump.
- Most of the big social media companies are preparing to adopt a more liberal approach to corporate policies on transparency, privacy, and tax filings now that Democrats will be in control of Congress and be writing the laws and regulations governing the tech industry, except for Twitter, with Elon Musk now making a big show of carrying a katana sword with him everywhere he goes while wearing a karate robe with a black belt he did not earn and shouting threats at Democrats to come investigate his companies’ business practices, his tax avoidance, his absurdly partisan election buying “at their own peril.”
- The vibe at Mar-a-Lago all this week has reportedly been described as “the last days of Jonestown before they all drank the kool-aid.”
- A liberal billionaire is reportedly producing a comedy roast of Donald Trump called “The Lame Duck Roast” with 50 comedians writing “stroke-inducing jokes” to be delivered by Hillary Clinton, Kamala Harris, Hunter Biden, Jeb Bush, Rosie O’Donnell, and Jack Smith.
- White House insiders say Donald Trump’s temper is at “DEFCON Ketchup” over how the heckled shout to “Shove that ballroom up your fatass” has become an energizing slogan for straight-ticket-Democratic voting among farmers and ranchers Trump’s tariffs have bankrupted in Kansas, Iowa, Nebraska, and Montana.
- Barack Hussein Obama > Donald “Saddam Insane” Trump
- Trump reportedly wakes up every morning of every day “absolutely livid” and clenching his hands into little fists like a toddler about the fact that no official, scholarly presidential ranking has ever rated his first term above #35, they all rank his second term dead last, and both Obama and Biden are ranked in the top 20.
- Trump reportedly had a nightmare last night where the blue wave was so giant even his beloved ketchup bottles all turned blue.
- Question #1 if you’d like to answer in the comments: do you enjoy me mostly sending these out early in the morning? I like to think of my Substack posts as a nice little doomscrolling breakfast for the brain to start off comedically nourished so readers are better able to handle the real life absurdities, GOP insanities, and Trump’s vulgarities we’re about to be bombarded with all day long. But maybe some people would prefer to not get politically worked up in the morning, and a better time for posting would be around lunch breaks, or an evening jaunt onto the Internet?
- Question #2 if you’d like to answer in the comments: I have gotten so prolific with my comedy for the last few months that I’ve been posting almost every single day, is that too much and annoying to get an email from me daily?
Which headline was your favorite?
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