Washington D.C.—
In an act of solidarity with President Donald Trump, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin have both apparently started using the orange foundation that Trump favors.
“With a healthy tan glow like the three of us have, this is how we make America respected around the world again,” explained Pompeo in a brief press conference this morning. “Our totally natural faces reflect the youthful vitality and vigor of the United States of America, and no one is laughing at us anymore like they used to in previous administrations.”
Then Mr. Mnuchin took the microphone to answer a question from a CNN reporter on why they were wearing Trump’s foundation makeup.
“What makeup are you referring to?” Mnuchin asked. “This is why we call CNN fake news. We went golfing with the President yesterday, and it was sunny outside. This is just our tanned skin. I take offense that you would insinuate the President wears makeup. The color of Mr. Trump’s face is not different than the rest of his body. After golfing we hit the showers, and while doing a bit of totally harmless, totally normal locker room talk about sexually assaulting married women, Trump got naked and I could see that his facial skin color matched the rest of his body. So there’s no makeup on his face at all. Also, I saw the President’s peepee, and I can 100% confirm that it is definitely not mushroom-shaped. It’s a beautiful penis, and I only wish my penis was half as beautiful as the President’s penis because, if it was half as beautiful, it would still be more beautiful than any other man’s penis. That’s how beautiful and totally not mushroom-shaped the President’s johnson is.”
Mnuchin then pulled out a note card from his suit jacket’s inside pocket and read aloud from it.
“Also, the President’s hands are very big, bigger than mine and Mike Pompeo’s hands combined. And he does not slur any of his words, ever. And his teeth are totally real, and he’s never once had a problem with them slipping out while delivering speeches. And he doesn’t pick off his scabs and eat them, no matter what the fake news will claim. And he doesn’t get out of breath stepping on and off his golf carts. He can still run a mile in under 8 minutes. And he can bench press more than Obama. Whatever Obama’s personal record is, double it, and then Mr. Trump can still lift ten more pounds than that. And the President does not have ‘thunder thighs.’ That is fake news as well. He’s got a thigh gap that Ivanka regularly tells him she is jealous of. And he absolutely does not have man titties or own any bras. He does not put on women’s clothes at night to practice grabbing women by the pussy on himself via his butthole. That’s a complete fabrication from the sub-human reporters who work at The New York Times. The dozen anonymous administration sources they claim have confirmed that Trump grabs himself by the butthole every night so that he doesn’t lose his technique or form assaulting women are all liars who should be put in jail for being rats. Also, that information is highly classified, so the leaks should never have happened. But, again, it’s totally fake news anyway. But if we find out who leaked, they will be prosecuted for breaching the terms of their very specific nondisclosure agreements. That concludes our press conference, and let me reiterate one last time that neither me, Mike Pompeo, nor Donald Trump have ever worn foundation makeup. We just have a healthy glow from our golf outings.”
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