Trump Regrets “Trump Water” Went Bankrupt Before He Could Profit From Natural Disasters As President

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Washington D.C.—

According to White House sources, President Donald Trump has been in a sour mood all weekend because of Hurricane Harvey’s destruction in Texas.

Mr. Trump wasn’t upset because of the damage or loss of life, but rather because his “Trump Water” brand of bottled water went bankrupt before he could use his position as President to sell the water for a personal profit to the victims of America’s natural disasters.

“I could have made a killing in Texas,” Trump reportedly repeated multiple times while discussing hurricane relief efforts with various White House staffers and aides throughout the day.

One White House staffer contacted a Halfway Post reporter in the hopes that leaking Trump’s inappropriate (though unintended) pun—as well as his wish to pursue an obvious conflict of interest and of conscience—to the press would convince him of the need to focus on the people of Texas. The staffer had secretly recorded Trump’s comments, and they are very Trumpian:

“The water was so phenomenal—the best you’d have ever tasted—and came with the most beautiful label of black and gold you’ve ever seen,” Trump said. “You know, some companies were already in the premium bottled water industry, but I was the very first person to get into the luxury bottled water industry. My bottles were priced at $8 a pop, and of course the water was bottled in Philadelphia with just Phillie tap water. Some people say bottled water is a scam, but I think it’s smart. And, you know, I’m one of the great smarts—great mind I have. Went to Wharton—so smart. The media doesn’t give me credit for it. Fake news—I hear it all the time, people always telling me. In fact, I’ve been calling Texan officials all day, and they’re all talking about my water down there. They just wish they could have Trump water to get their minds off the flooding. So great. They’re all so brave in Texas. I hope they buy that book I promoted on Twitter today. Gotta help out political allies, right? Do you think I should tweet about the book again? [Muffled answer.] No? Okay. If you say so. How about I tweet about my Phoenix rally crowd size again? [Muffled answer.] It wasn’t that high? Really? Oh. No way. I saw it—definitely one of the greatest—I was there. The crowd was at least 90,000 people, phenomenal crowd. [Muffled.] The building couldn’t possibly hold that many people? Bigger than Obama’s Phoenix rallies, though, right? Do we have any numbers on Obama’s? Hmm. I’ll tweet it was 88,000. [Muffled.] I told you a hundred times, John [Kelly, chief-of-staff] you’re not taking my phone. Ow—Ow—Ow! Okay, fine! I’ll tweet about the dumb hurricane.”

(Picture courtesy of Timothy Krause.)

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