St. Louis, MO—
Unexpectedly, Jesus Christ returned to Earth yesterday, showing up in St. Louis, Missouri. He gave an impromptu speech to a crowd that assembled under the Gateway Arch, and his message surprised virtually the entire world.
“Why y’all trying so hard to be good all the time?” Jesus asked a stunned crowd. “I died specifically so you could all sin as much you want. Like, I don’t get you guys. Why should I have gone through all the trouble of being crucified if you weren’t going to take advantage of my sacrifice? You know being crucified isn’t pleasant, right??”
The crowd stared at Jesus in disbelief. Somewhere, someone coughed.
“Like, you’re all free from sin,” Jesus explained. “I really thought more of you would be sinning wayyy more than you are. My suffering absorbed all your sins. If I was you I’d be snorting all kinds of drugs, stealing everything I could get my hands on, eating major shellfish, and cussing out my parents all the time. Why, I’m coveting that man’s wife right now as we speak.”
The woman Jesus pointed to turned a bright red, and her husband got visibly uncomfortable.
“Now we’re getting somewhere!” Jesus exclaimed. He then approached the man and started pushing him repeatedly. “You mad, bro? You mad? What are you going to do? You want to hit me, don’t you? Say it, you want to hit me. I’m gonna grab your wife’s ass. Whatcha gonna do about it?”
Jesus grabbed the woman’s buttocks.
“Ha! She likes it. I can read her mind—I’m Jesus after all. She’s all about Papa Jeshua. So come on, man. I grabbed your wife’s ass and she likes a real man, me! What are you going to do, wuss? I said, what are you going to do about it? Come on, man, hit me for it. Hit me, bro! Hit me!”
The man, pushed too far, punched Jesus right in the face and gave Jesus a bloody nose. The blood streamed down the front of his tunic and on to his sandals.
“Too far man,” Jesus said quietly. “Not cool. Not cool at all. I’m going to remember that. Just see what happens when you die, dude. Let’s see where you go—up or down? It’s my choice, you know?”
“I didn’t mean—but you told me to hit you…I’m sorry!” the man sputtered.
There was a long pause. Then Jesus burst out laughing.
“Ha! Got ya! Totally cool, bro, totally cool. Like I said, I died for your sins. That punch? Totally forgiven, my friend. Everything is forgiven. That’s right, everyone is forgiven for everything for all of eternity from everything they’ve ever done and will ever do! I’m here talking to you all, aren’t I? You all believe in me, right? So we’re all saved! Sin as much as you want. Covet everyone’s wives, homes, cows, covet whatever you want! It was paid for up on that cross 2,000 years ago! Let’s party!”
By the end of the night yesterday, all of St. Louis had been razed to the ground by rioting, partying sinners committing every sin in the book. The destruction and violence was all cheered on the whole time by Cool Jesus, who did a keg-stand every hour and passed out brownies laced with heavenly drugs that offered euphoric sensations.
Oh, and Jesus had brown skin, black hair, and brown eyes… you didn’t think a Middle Easterner like Jesus was white, blonde, and blue-eyed did you? Racist.