Bombshell: Donald Trump’s Russian Sex Tape Has No Women, Just Big Macs

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Washington D.C.—

A truly stunning development in the Russian Collusion Scandal has engulfed the capital and thrust President Donald Trump’s suspected kompromat videotape from the Steele Dossier back into the spotlight.

The Halfway Post conducted an exclusive interview with Russian fracking oligarch Dimitri Kuznetsov, who confirmed the Steele Dossier’s authenticity.

“The Steele Dossier was spot on,” Kuznetsov explained, over plates of fresh salmon and roasted asparagus. “That guy wasn’t hard to lure into a classic sex tape espionage, let me tell you. We were partying after the Miss Universe contest and he wanted fast food, so we drove him to the McDonalds, and I have never seen a more disgusting order. I’ve quite literally seen a full-sized bear fill up on less garbage than your President. He ordered four big macs, a large fry, two filets-o-fish, and three large chocolate shakes, which he explained were for him to drink one on the way back to the hotel, one while he ate, and then another for dessert afterwards. Of course we had planted a camera in the room, so we asked him if he wanted us to send any of the best prostitutes Russia had to offer up to his room and the guy, to his credit, denied them. He was munching on the first of two filets of fish, and he told us he was going to go to bed early, and go straight to sleep. So we went into the office in the basement to watch the camera feed of Mr. Trump’s room, and what we witnessed was truly astonishing. The sexual acts with which your President violated those McDonalds products made the technician vomit several times into a wastebasket. Trump quickly undressed himself and lathered himself up to his neck in chocolate ice cream… I could not in good conscience explain to your readers where Mr. Trump put his french fries, and I have never found the right words in English to adequately describe the fate of that poor, unfortunate second filet-o-fish. The next morning when your President checked out to fly back to America, we found the bed littered with mutilated big mac buns…the ones he hadn’t eaten to refuel after his night of ravenous lust…”

Kuznetsov sighed, and pushed his plate away—no longer hungry due to the memories. Then he continued.

“There’s a reason your president has entirely forsaken his Constitutional oath to protect his country’s national security and domestic interests from foreign meddling, and its because this tape he knows we have is magnificently humiliating. It’s such an open secret these days, though, that I do not regret spilling it out to your fine readership. It doesn’t change the fact that Trump is a Russian puppet stooge, and he owes us his entire presidency. And get this, we promised him a Moscow Trump Tower, and he’s doing everything we want. There’s never going to be a Trump Tower Moscow defiling our skyline, but it’s so cute how we just dangle it in front of him and he does everything we say.”

Thanks for the upfront interview, Mr. Kuznetsov.

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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