Bombshell: Donald Trump’s Russian Sex Tape Has No Women, Just Big Macs

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Washington D.C.—

A shocking development in the Russian collusion scandal has thrust President Donald Trump’s suspected kompromat videotape back into the spotlight.

The Halfway Post conducted an exclusive interview with Russian fracking oligarch Dimitri Kuznetsov, who confirmed the Steele Dossier’s authenticity.

“The Steele Dossier was spot on,” Kuznetsov explained. “But it wasn’t a golden shower. That was a mistranslation from Russian of ‘golden arches,’ meaning McDonalds. Your President wasn’t hard to lure into a classic sex tape espionage sting, let me tell you. We were partying after the Miss Universe contest and he wanted fast food, so we drove him to a McDonalds as he requested, and I have never seen a more disgusting order. I’ve quite literally seen a full-sized Siberian brown bear fill up on less garbage than your President. He ordered four Big Macs, two large fries, two Filets-O-Fish, and three large chocolate shakes, which he explained were for him to drink one on the way back to the hotel, one while he ate the sandwiches, and the third for dessert afterwards. We had planted a camera in the room, so we asked him if he wanted us to send any of the best prostitutes Moscow had to offer up to his room, and the guy, to his credit, said no. He was munching on the first Filet-O-Fish, and he told us he was going to go to bed early. So we went into the office in the basement to monitor the camera feed of Mr. Trump’s room, and what we witnessed I will never forget. The sexual acts with which your President violated those McDonalds products made our AV technician vomit several times into a wastebasket. Trump quickly undressed and lathered himself up to his neck with the other two chocolate milkshakes. I could not in good conscience explain to your readers where Mr. Trump stuffed his french fries, and I have never found the right words in English to adequately describe the fate of that poor, unfortunate, second Filet-O-Fish. The next morning when your President checked out to fly back to America, we found the bed littered with mutilated Big Mac buns. The ones he hadn’t eaten during his night of ravenous lust probably wished they had been eaten. The horrors would have been over much quicker for them.”

Kuznetsov sighed. Then he continued.

“There’s a reason your president has entirely forsaken his oath to protect your country’s national security and domestic interests from foreign meddling, and it’s because this tape he knows we have is magnificently embarrassing.”

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