The Halfway Post recently reached out to Jesus for a phone conversation, and the following is the transcript of the discussion. It has been lightly edited for clarity and brevity.
THE HALFWAY POST: Thanks for taking the time to talk, Jesus.
JESUS: No problem. It’s good to check in on Earthly affairs occasionally, you know?
THP: Definitely. So how do you feel about this Trump stuff?
JESUS: Oh. My. God. Don’t even get me started on that. What can I say? The investigation is finally entering its final stage thanks to that raid on Michael Cohen’s office, and—let me tell you—some nasty, freaky stuff is going to come out about Trump. It’s going to be pretty eye-opening. I know and see everything, and it still stuns me when I think about some of the gross stuff Trump has done. Real nasty stuff. Golden showers? That’s actually on the tamer side of what this guy has done.
THP: So Is Trump finally getting the karmic comeuppance he’s been deserving for decades?
JESUS: Well, I can’t disclose too much, but let’s just say the life of Donald Trump has been an experiment. The Big Guy wanted to test out human nature a little, take it to the extreme a bit, and so he Created Donald Trump but didn’t throw in any of the usual shame, guilt, or altruism that human brains usually get. I don’t know if I should tell you this, but even God’s hypothesis of what would happen did not imagine someone so vile as Donald J. Trump. He knew Trump would be awful, don’t get the wrong impression that he’s not omniscient—ya feel me?—but he made a mathematical error in one of the constant coefficients: white evangelicals. And it was a real wakeup call for Him. God really did not think his white evangelical base could be so amoral as to ignore Trump’s spectacular moral failings in exchange for a conservative Supreme Court seat. God kind of took his eyes off the ball on that one a bit, and he’s more than a little upset that his white evangelical base—who, by the way, are the most vocally supportive of Him, so vocal that they give God the creeps—could prove to be such ideological hypocrites and existential malfunctions.
THP: Those are some strong words.
JESUS: Well, they are some strong washouts. It’s like they don’t remember the 90s. Remember the stink they made about Bill and Hillary? And Hillary did the Christian thing and forgave him! But now these evangelicals go around blaming gays for ruining marriage, yet they elected Donald Trump, who is the poster boy of infidelity and sexual perversion. I don’t know why he even married Melania. He literally has never NOT been cheating on her. He’s the antithesis of the phrase “I do”.
THP: What do you make of the evangelical movement getting together in groups and praying both for and even personally with Donald Trump? Or Franklin Graham regularly insisting Trump is a “man of God”?
THP: Thanks for the interview, Jesus.
JESUS: No problemo. I’ll tell you what, I’ll leave with some nice juicy gossip. The pee tape? Totally real!