ISIS has in recent months faced sharp losses in territory, troops, and funding, but ISIS’s head of hiring Mohammed al-Qaurzai is optimistic that the challenge to find new leadership could turn things around for the struggling caliphate on the battlefield.
Al-Quarzai’s brainstorming list of potential leaders has raised some eyebrows throughout the Middle East, though, and at the top of that list is US Vice President Mike Pence.
“I know, I know, ‘death to America’ and all that, but—let’s be honest—we here at ISIS are not exactly in any position to be picky about hiring options,” said Quarzai. “And, for real, we’ve been big fans of Mike Pence for many years. He’s not radical Muslim, but his brand of Christianity is really not that different than us when you stop and think about it. Afraid of empowered, independent women? Check. Personally and masculinely threatened by social acceptance of homosexuality? Check. Confident the end times are nearly upon the world? Check. Prays all the time? Check. All he has to do is just position himself south-east when he’s praying—a little toward Mecca—and he’ll fit right in here at the caliphate. We’re just such big fans. He’s truly a special guy. He doesn’t believe in climate change or evolution even though everyone in America has computers and Internet access. The guy is so fundamentalist that he puts his religious dogma before even breathtakingly obvious scientific truths. I’ll tell you what, if ISIS was filled with soldiers half as pretentiously devout as Mike Pence, we would not be in the dire straights we currently find ourselves, I guarantee it.”
Our Halfway Post reporter reminded the ISIS official that Pence is a devout Christian, but al-Quarzai insisted that ISIS was prepared to offer Pence anything he wanted in order to convince him to switch sides and religions.
“We’ll match his vice president salary and benefits at ISIS. Whatever healthcare Pence is getting, we will give him even better. The best doctors and medical care Iraq has to offer. We’ll give him virgins—or wait, he’s pretty devoted to his wife isn’t he? Doesn’t matter. Let me say this directly to Mr. Pence himself: name your price, and we’ll meet it.”