Presidential Physical: Trump’s Lab Results Reveal His Blood Content Is 90% Big Mac Sauce

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Washington D.C.—

Earlier this week, President Donald Trump underwent his first comprehensive medical exam since taking office, following questions and concerns about his physical fitness for the office.

Dr. Ronny Jackson of the Walter Reed Medical Hospital said in a statement released yesterday by the White House that the examination went “exceptionally well,” and that the President “is in excellent health.”

However, clues from the doctor’s official report quickly inspired more questions, as it appeared that the White House had doctored the report, no pun intended.

A West Wing staffer, who requested anonymity, covertly leaked a copy of the original, unedited medical form to The Halfway Post. The original report suggests that the 71-year-old Trump is not as healthy as he claims.

The President’s initial blood work showed astonishing levels of salt content, and diverse, follow-up chemical testing revealed that approximately 90% of Mr. Trump’s blood volume is big mac sauce. It appears to have replaced the function of plasma, with big mac sauce holding his cells’ organelles in place and facilitating ribosomal mobility. Trump’s public love for McDonalds fast food appears to have proven that you are what you eat.

“Quite satisfyingly,” Dr. Jackson wrote in the margins of the original report, “Trump’s blood being mostly a sauce similar to thousand island dressing explains the enduring mystery of why his skin is so orange.”

Another edited part described the fact that Mr. Trump’s noticeable weight gain is not from fat, but is instead due to his entire body thickening with salt deposits invading, literally, every cell in him.

“The President reeks of a stench I would describe as a KFC fryer whose grease hadn’t been changed in 40 years,” wrote Jackson in the notes section of the original report. “It gets even worse when the President sweats, and I observed the President following a habit of licking the sweat off his arms to taste the saltiness.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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