President Donald Trump, according to White House sources, called Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller on the phone in order to ask who might be indicted next in the investigation into Russian collusion, but insisted that he was not asking for himself in any way.
“I was in the room when it happened, along with enough other lawyers and aides that I am comfortable discussing in detail what happened,” said a White House official requesting top-shelf anonymity. “The President called up the FBI, asked to be connected to Mr. Mueller, and then proceeded to palaver about the weather with Mr. Mueller. The President brought up his poll numbers, which he claimed were 95%, and then casually floated the question of who the FBI was looking at next. Trump tried to make very clear that he wasn’t asking for himself, and that he wasn’t even personally interested in the whole FBI investigation. He kept saying over and over that he wasn’t worried, but that this one ‘friend’ of his really wanted to know. He never said which friend, of course, but we all suspect he was really asking for himself. Mueller obviously refused to discuss the investigation, which led to the President asking repeatedly if it was Jared Kushner. The President said he knew it was Kushner, and then succeeded in telling Mr. Mueller secrets about Jared Kushner, including the facts that Kushner is a billion dollars in debt, and has been trying to sell access to American citizenship to Chinese nationals, etc. Stuff even the media kind of knows, whether they discuss it openly or not. I’m sure the FBI knows all that stuff already. So, after being denied by Mueller, Trump kind of casually talked his way out of the conversation and then hung up, and the President then went on to tell us advisers and aides that he knew it was going to be Kushner. However, it is pretty apparent that Mr. Mueller never confirmed this, though you know the President and Jared are going to try to throw each other under the bus now. They’re both so guilty of straight up civic fraud that it sometimes makes my head spin. I should just quit this job now and start swimming away before the whole ship sinks, you know? My God, even if Trump was somehow only an unwitting pawn of Putin—rather than a willing, corrupt puppet—it’s blatantly obvious Trump has literally decades of illegal, sleazy business deals, partnerships, and profit avenues the FBI can nab him on. Like, even if the blackmail pee tape kompromat stuff isn’t real, it’s painfully obvious that little of Trump’s money from the last decade or two has come from inside of America. This guy is going down, that’s for sure. And let me be honest, I work in Trump’s Administration and hear him talk all day…I’m pretty certain he’s guilty of all that stuff. I’ve never seen a con man in action like President Trump. In fact, I’m only still working here because I’m not entirely positive that no one will stand in his way if he decides to randomly nuke North Korea to distract from his awful polling numbers. I will be that guy that literally tackles him to the ground and stops him from touching the nuclear codes. Otherwise I would have quit months ago.”
Thank you for your service, unnamed Trump Administration insider critic.