Conservatives Across America Threaten To Become Gun Nuts If People Keep Calling Them Gun Nuts


St. Louis, MO—

Following the latest school mass shooting, the NRA is whipping up frenzied conservative outrage with fear mongering that implies mere modicums of gun control, such as re-banning semi-automatic assault weapons and upgrading the national background check registry, are akin to imprisoning Americans forever in slavery.

Many NRA members agree with this sentiment, and have taken to social media to publish their slippery slope fears of gun control

“I’m not a gun maniac,” explained local NRA member Steve Knockwood, 45, “but I do own six AR-15s and enough ammo to repel a whole regiment of jihadis from my neighborhood. But I’m totally sensible with them. I’ve never actually shot anyone. Not once. I only threaten to. And very rarely do I ever take the guns out of the back of my truck and wave them around, or start screaming that I’ll kill my ex-wife and kids, and then myself. And only when I’m drunk. But I’d never actually go on a murderous rampage. Most of the times I even keep the safety on. How dare Democrats try to force me to get some kind of gun license, or require me to take annual safety training certification courses, or pass a ‘red flag’ law. If threatening to kill your kids to terrorize your bitch ex-wife is turned into a red flag, I’ll never get to own a gun again! It’s my Constitutional right to be lethally armed, disgruntled about life, and paranoid. And I have to be paranoid, everyone has guns!”

Other gun owners feel strongly that this gun rights debate is just another battle of the culture war between liberals and conservatives.

“I don’t want to be a mass shooter,” said Ronald West, 41, a proud NRA member, “but if liberals keep trying to take away all my guns, I might just have to become one! So watch out! Liberals would be giving me no choice. Yeah, sure, with the modest gun control measures Democrats have proposed I’d still be able to keep my composite bow, crossbow, pistols, hunting rifles, and shotguns, but I’d be forced to violently intervene if the US government ever tried to take away my semi-automatics! All patriotic Americans who love our republic dearly would have no choice but to fight in a civil war until every American is dead if that’s what it takes to stop any and every gun control proposal from passing through Congress into law! That’s how you prove you love your country and want it to prosper forever!”

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(Picture courtesy of Rusty Clark.)

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