Conservatives All Across America Threaten To Become Gun Nuts To Prove They Aren’t Gun Nuts


St. Louis, MO—

Following the latest mass shooting in a school, the NRA is whipping up frenzied conservative outrage with fear mongering that implies legislating mere modicums of gun control, such as re-banning semiautomatic assault weapons and centralizing the national background check registry, are akin to imprisoning Americans forever in slavery.

Many conservatives have expressed misguided fear that a similar measure aiming to limit the size of magazines for high-velocity weapons will mean that no responsible gun owners will ever be allowed to hunt ever again.

“I’m not a gun maniac,” explained local NRA member Steve Timewood of St. Louis, “But I do own twelve AR-15s, and enough ammo to repel a whole platoon of terrorists from my neighborhood. I’m totally responsible. I’ve never actually shot anyone with these guns, I only threaten them. I rarely take them out in a menacing manner, and have only threatened to kill my ex-wife, my kids, two of my neighbors, and myself at various times when it seemed momentarily advantageous to threaten excessive force, like when I’m drunk. But I’d never actually do it. Most of the times I even kept the safety on. How dare Democrats try to force me to get a license for my guns and require me to take annual safety training certification courses. It is my Constitutional right to be lethally armed and suspicious of everyone around me at all times. And I have to be. Everyone has guns. Literally anyone I see around me could be a danger. Constant fear of gun battles erupting all around is a small price to pay for being a free, democratic, modern nation.”

Other gun owners feel strongly that this gun rights debate is just another battle of the culture war between liberals and conservatives.

“I don’t want to be a mass shooter, but if liberals keep trying to take away all my guns, I might just become one,” said Ron West, an NRA member from Maryland Heights. “So watch out. Liberals would be giving me no choice. Yeah, sure, with the gun control measures Democrats have proposed I’d still be able to keep my composite bow, crossbow, pistols, hunting rifles, and shotguns, but I would totally have to personally intervene if the US government ever tried to take away my military-grade assault weapons. All patriotic Americans who love this democracy should rebel against America if Americans ever democratically and overwhelmingly demanded a ban on high-velocity weapons. Yeah, the US government has thousands of drones and mini air forces stationed on battleships, and I’d stand literally no chance before being bombed to oblivion if I actually tried to take up arms against the government and the military, but I’d stand much less of a chance with just a pistol and hunting rifle than with my semi-assault weapons.”


(Picture courtesy of Rusty Clark.)

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