Conservatives All Across America Threaten To Become Gun Nuts To Prove They Aren’t Gun Nuts


St. Louis, MO—

Following the latest mass shooting in a school, the NRA is whipping up frenzied conservative outrage with fear mongering that implies legislating mere modicums of gun control, such as re-banning semi-automatic assault weapons and centralizing the national background check registry, are akin to imprisoning Americans forever in slavery.

Many conservatives have expressed misguided fears that a similar measure aiming to limit the size of magazines for high-velocity weapons will mean that no responsible gun owners will ever be allowed to hunt again.

“I’m not a gun maniac,” explained local NRA member Steve Timewood of St. Louis, “But I do own twelve AR-15s, and enough ammo to repel a whole platoon of terrorists from my neighborhood. I’m totally responsible. I’ve never actually shot anyone with these guns, I only threaten them. And very rarely do I ever take the guns out of my gun safe in a menacing manner, or claim I’ll kill my ex-wife, my kids, two of my neighbors, or myself at various times when it seems momentarily advantageous to threaten excessive force, like when I’m drunk. But I’d never actually go on a murderous rampage. Most of the times I even keep the safety on. How dare Democrats try to force me to get a license for my guns and require me to take annual safety training certification courses. It is my Constitutional right to be lethally armed and dangerously suspicious of everyone around me at all times. And I have to be… everyone has guns! Literally anyone I see around me could be a terrorist or a murderer. Constant fear of gun battles erupting all around is a small price to pay for living in a free, democratic nation.”

Other gun owners feel strongly that this gun rights debate is just another battle of the culture war between liberals and conservatives.

“I don’t want to be a mass shooter, but if liberals keep trying to take away all my guns, I might just become one,” said Ron West, an NRA member from Maryland Heights. “So watch out. Liberals would be giving me no choice. Yeah, sure, with the modest gun control measures Democrats have proposed, I’d still be able to keep my composite bow, crossbow, pistols, hunting rifles, and shotguns, but I would totally have to personally intervene if the US government ever tried to take away my military-grade assault weapons. All patriotic Americans who love our country should fight in a civil war until everyone is dead if moderate gun control passed through Congress!”

(Picture courtesy of Rusty Clark.)

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