In Just 6 Short Months Tomi Lahren Has Advanced From Temp To CEO Of Fox News


New York, NY—

Tomi Lahren, the conservative firebrand whose safe-space is nestled deep inside elderly Baby Boomers’ fears of diversity, has pioneered a path of promotion in the bowels of Fox News from lowly, temporary, contributing fear monger on cable news opinionator shows all the way to CEO of Fox’s parent company News Corp in just six, short months.

Lahren obliged The Halfway Post with the following brief phone interview:

THE HALFWAY POST: Congratulations on your speedy success.

TOMI LAHREN: Thank you. Let me tell you, I have a bold vision for Fox News, and I cannot wait to implement some of my ideas.

THP: Such as?

TL: Well, I think Fox is currently too tame. We need to up the ampage. For instance, my shows have always featured me yelling for minutes on end. That’s the kind of intensity I want to see more of around here. We at Fox have to be honest with ourselves, and our audience skews heavily toward old people. They’re falling asleep and we have to keep them awake. After 4pm, our surveys suggest they’re probably out. We actually edit our shows to have low volume at the beginning of each time slot so that they turn up their televisions, and then as the hour goes on we start broadcasting louder and louder. I’m focusing hard on finessing the Fox entertainment experience. Our geezer viewers can’t be afraid of liberals and our hysterical conspiracy theories if they’re sleeping through them! Liberalism is coming to America in a great big Millennial wave, and us on the Right have only a few precious elections left to milk their electoral value. And we can only convince them to let us wheelchair their racist, ragged bones to the voting booths if they hear that their grandchildren might be mixed.

THP: Where do you see Fox in the next five years?

TL: Honestly, it’s at a crossroads. Some people here at Fox are still going through the motions like it’s a legitimate news source, but, like, that ship sailed. America is going to be very liberal for a while thanks to pushback from this Trump catastrophe, and the Right really has to pivot from that. There’s going to be a lot of talk from the media that we’re collaborators, so I’m just gonna cause distractions by televising several hours of myself yelling every time a liberal on Twitter makes a tweet proposing some dumb law that helps a couple dozen million people or whatever.. Conservatives need to realize hat our strength at being the minority power party. That’s where we thrive. If we don’t like government, why do we want to be the ones that have to actually run it? It’s much easier and better for publicity for us to just throw wrenches in the cogs from a distance, safe from the public’s blame, you know?

THP: Do you ever regret your tone?

TL: All the time. Always. The government as designed by the Constitution is not really functional in a hyper-partisan political climate such as our contemporary one, and I can’t pretend not to notice that I am a pop culture queen of national vitriol. My shtick is rather conventional of just shouting at black people’s civic protests. But I’m also twenty-five-years-old and rich, so, whatever.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s