In Just 6 Short Months Tomi Lahren Has Advanced From Temp To CEO Of Fox News

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New York, NY—

Tomi Lahren, the conservative firebrand whose safe-space is nestled deep inside elderly Baby Boomers’ fears of diversity, has pioneered a path of promotion in the bowels of Fox News from lowly, temporary, contributing fear monger on cable news opinionator shows all the way to CEO of Fox’s parent company News Corp in just six, short months.

Lahren obliged The Halfway Post with the following brief phone interview:

 

THE HALFWAY POST: Congratulations on your speedy success.

TOMI LAHREN: Thank you. Let me tell you, I have a bold vision for Fox News, and I cannot wait to implement some of my ideas.

THP: Such as?

TL: Well, I think Fox is currently too tame. We need to up the ampage. For instance, my shows have always featured me yelling for minutes on end. That’s the kind of intensity I want to see more of around here. We at Fox have to be honest with ourselves, and our audience skews heavily toward old people. They’re falling asleep and we have to keep them awake. They can’t be afraid of liberals and our hysterical conspiracy theories if they’re sleeping. And for real, liberalism is coming to America in a great big Millennial wave, and we have only a few precious elections left to milk their electoral value before they die off. And we can only convince them to let us wheelchair their racist ragged bones to the voting booths if they think their grandchildren might be mixed.

THP: Where do you see Fox in the next five years?

TL: Honestly, it’s at a crossroads. Some people here at Fox are still pretending it’s a legitimate news source, but, like, that ship sailed. America is going to be very liberal for a while thanks to pushback from this Trump catastrophe, and I’m just gonna televise myself yelling at every attempt liberals make in advancing society. Actually, Republicans are only ever good at being the minority power party. We’re amazing at saying no to everything and ruining everything good about America, but being in power is kind of a drag for us. If we don’t like government, why do we want to be the ones that have to actually run it? It’s much easier and better for publicity for us to just throw wrenches in the cogs from a distance safe from the public’s blame, you know?

THP: Do you ever regret your tone?

TL: All the time. Always. I’m kind of awful for democracy, certainly liberal democracy. The government as designed by the Constitution is not really functional in a hyper-partisan political climate such as our contemporary one, and I cannot pretend not to notice that I am a destructive propaganda queen capitalizing on national vitriol with substancelessly loud shouting, but I’m twenty-five years old and rich, so, whatever.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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