Sarah Huckabee Sanders Melts Down Behind The Podium And Checks Herself Into Lying Rehab

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Washington D.C.—

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders has reportedly checked herself into a lying rehabilitation center after a mental breakdown behind the White House press room podium this morning.

Ms. Sanders was in the middle of a meandering explanation in how she and President Trump are not actually liars, but that they use the best available information possible at all times and sometimes the best available information only seems like pants-on-fire lies, when she burst out into maniacal laughter.

Fortunately, our Halfway Post White House correspondent was on scene to record audio of the incident.

“Hahahahaha! I’m a liar, we’re all liars!” Ms. Sanders yelled out to the press pool. “Donald Trump knew about Stormy Daniels, he knew about everything! The pee tape is real! The doctor’s note is fake! Trump is in terrible health and his heart suffers unimaginable stress pumping decades of lard and big mac sauce through his obese, grandma arms! Trump’s tax returns are filled with Russian loans and his business books are filled with foreign money laundering and dictators buying his properties for outrageously high prices! Donald Jr. colluded with Russian! So did Manafort! And Page! And Papadopoulos! And Gates! And Flynn! And Sessions! And Cohen! And Eric Prince! They all are being blackmailed by the Russians! And so is Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell! And the NRA! Everyone in the GOP took Russian money! Trump is racist! He still believes the Birther stuff! Stephen Miller has been trying to convince Trump to turn ICE into an American Gestapo! Jared Kushner is still hundreds of millions of dollars in debt and is every day using his governmental position to secure illicit loans for his family! Ivanka is complicit in everything and none of her products have ever used a single ounce of materials or minute of labor from the American economy! I have no idea what Kellyanne Conway’s official job is, or why she gets paid so much in tax dollars to go on cable news and lie to America! It wasn’t actually sexist for CNN to ask her what’s up with her husband tweeting out so many anti-Trump tweets! Literally everyone in the administration thinks Donald Trump is a village idiot bordering on needing to wear a helmet! Donald Trump watches Stormy Daniels’ porn videos on his phone while being briefed on national security! Michael Avenatti keeps Trump up at night, and so does Bob Mueller! Oh gosh, this feels so good to tell the truth! Like a wave of relief washing over me. Jesus, please forgive me for all my lies! The thousands and thousands of lies I have told. May God have mercy on my lying, lying liar soul! I do not deserve it whatsoever, but may America forgive me for daily looking the country in the face and telling lies to cover the ass of the most corrupt and lyingest administration in world history! Not even Hitler lied about such mundane and trivial things as Trump. Obama’s inauguration was way bigger and everyone knows it! Trump’s approval ratings are the lowest on record and that’s not fake news! Trump hasn’t been on as many magazine covers as he claims! Half of the covers he’ll show you are fake! Trump’s hair is super fake, and he takes two hours every morning to shape it into the bird nest that it is! Trump is going to spend the rest of his life in prison and I’m ready to turn witness against him! You can’t even imagine the things I have heard and seen! Oh, golly, praise Jesus, the spell is broken and I have learned to tell the truth again! Beautiful, beautiful truths! I’m sorry America! Please forgive me!”

And with that Ms. Sanders left the White House and checked into a month-long lying rehab program in southern Virginia.

 

(Picture courtesy of the White House.)

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