Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump has made Evangelicals very happy with his pro-Israel policies, but Mr. Trump is apparently “weirded out” that Evangelicals only support Israel so that Jesus can return to Earth and send the Jews to burn in Hell.
In a spontaneous phone call Mr. Trump made to The Halfway Post, the President explained:
“A lot of people don’t know this, but Jesus is, like, a really big deal to Christians. Not to the Jews though. And Evangelicals really like Israel, but not so much the Jews. It’s complicated stuff, but basically Evangelicals want Israel to be a country so that Jesus can come back. That’s why they love my Jerusalem plan to move the embassy. They love me. They say if Israelis have a country, Jesus will come back faster. Personally I don’t understand what’s taking so long. If I were Jesus I’d come back as soon as I could. Life is a lot easier these days. The girls are a lot better looking, too. But they love me for the Jerusalem thing. I could burn a Bible in the middle of Fifth Avenue and I wouldn’t lose a single Evangelical voter. And they love Neil Gorsuch. Neil’s a great guy, but I hope he stays voting the way I like. Cause otherwise I might not like Neil as much. But they really love Neil—they love me a little more, though. You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but they say that when Jesus comes back the Jews won’t get into Heaven unless they convert, and if the Jews don’t convert they will burn in Hell. I’m, like, a really smart guy, but even I don’t get all of that stuff. But they keep telling me to say good things about Israel. I’m kind of weirded out honestly. It’s like they love Israel, but they blame the Jews for killing Jesus. But Jesus needed to die in order to die for our sins, so what’s the big deal? No one knows. But I love the Bible. I’m a big fan. Maybe the biggest. I always tell people the Bible is the second most amazing book ever written, after The Art of the Deal, of course. I bet Jesus reads it in Heaven. He could learn a thing or two, so that maybe when he comes back a second time he could make a couple business deals. I’m just saying if Jesus was so smart why was he so poor? If we’re going by purely economic standards you could say I’m more blessed than Jesus. I bet Jesus would want to stay in one of my hotels. Although, honestly I probably wouldn’t let him in. People are used to the Trump name and brand being about glitz and glamour. A penniless dude in sandals and robes hanging around would be bad for business. And nobody rich wants to hear some homeless-looking guy tell them they should give more to charity. And Jesus hung around some bad hombres. A lot of people don’t know this, but Jesus actually hung out with criminals and prostitutes. So maybe he wouldn’t like my casinos, you know? You gotta have money to have fun at a casino. But yeah, Jesus was a truly great American. One of the best, really. Great guy. He’d probably be into Ivanka. Wouldn’t that be great, if Jesus married Ivanka? I tell you what, I’d be a little jealous. Anyway, gotta go, Fox & Friends is about to start and I gotta watch so I know what to tweet about today!”
Then the President hung up.
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