Donald Trump: “If I Was Jesus, I’d Multiply Money, Not Dumb Loaves Of Bread!”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump’s cognitive grasp of Christian theology has always been in doubt, and his supposed reverence for Jesus is again being questioned after a rant he gave at a prayer breakfast this morning.

Mr. Trump delivered the event’s keynote address, and it raised some eyebrows.

“Jesus was such a tremendous savior,” said Trump, choosing to skip his prepared remarks. “Maybe one of the best saviors of all time. People are saying I saved America. I hear it all the time. Maybe I’m up there with Jesus. I’m just kidding, no one’s higher than Jesus. Give me a second term, though, and we’ll see. We’ll see. But America is doing great, isn’t it? We’re building the wall, just like Jesus would have wanted. We got the travel ban going. I’m working with the courts to block refugees from being resettled here in America. Jesus would understand that one. Pretty soon we’re going to announce cuts to Social Security and Medicare. If there’s one thing I know about Jesus, it’s that he wouldn’t want America to keep wasting money on needy losers. What a great guy. Great guy. You know, they say I’m the most pro-life President, maybe of all time. And it’s true. Since I got elected, I haven’t paid for a single abortion. A lot of people don’t know this, but I’m actually sacrificing a lot to be President. Maybe I didn’t get nailed to a big, wooden letter ‘T,’ but I’m practically getting crucified by the fake news. What do you think the ‘T’ stood for? Maybe Trump? Maybe it was a sign that someday Donald Trump would get elected and make America great again? Who knows? Who knows? Maybe I am a savior. Wouldn’t that be something? I’ll tell you what, though, if I was Jesus, I’d multiply hundred dollar bills, not dumb loaves of bread and jugs of wine. And I wouldn’t share so much. You don’t get rich by giving everything away. It’s like Jesus didn’t understand math that well or something. I never understood why, if Jesus had magical powers, he stayed poor and hung around lepers and diseased-ridden low-lifes. The prostitutes, sure, I get it. I wonder how much Jesus had to pay. I’d love to go back in time and read one of his nondisclosure agreements. But stay around homeless people? Was Jesus not good at deals and business? I guess he wrote the Bible, but he never wrote about the art of the deal like I did. Too bad he couldn’t read it. It was a New York Times best-seller. Jesus could have made amazing deals if he could have had it. If I were Jesus, I’d have gotten right into real estate. I wouldn’t go around giving out free loaves of bread to everyone, I’d be charging them rent in apartment complexes all over Jerusalem. Jesus could have converted a lot more people if he had built a giant Jesus Tower in downtown Jerusalem and put his name in gold on it at the top. Everyone would see it. But he never got rich. And a lot of people don’t know this, but Jesus was never actually a king. He only led, like, 12 people. I lead way more. And I’ve built way more. I’ve got tremendous properties all over. You know, Jesus couldn’t even get America’s embassy built there. Israel had to wait for Donald Trump on that one. But the Jews are a great people. They love me over there. And Jesus was one of the best Jews, maybe of all time. Wait, if Jesus was Jewish why are all of you Christians? Shouldn’t you all be Jewish? Or why do you all call yourselves—”

At that point in his speech, Ivanka Trump rushed to the stage and coaxed the audience into clapping for her father and guided him off the stage.

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