Unable To Invade Iran, John Bolton Says He’ll Settle For Regime Change In The US

Washington D.C.—

The recent leak of details from John Bolton’s upcoming memoir about his time serving the White House as National Security Adviser has rocked the impeachment trial of President Donald Trump, and cast new doubts on the President’s legal team’s claims that Mr. Trump is innocent of the abuse of power and obstruction of justice articles of impeachment Democrats have passed in the House.

The Halfway Post received an exclusive excerpt from Bolton’s publishing company of a passage regarding Bolton’s motivations in writing the memoir and dishing dirt on Trump:

All Trump had to do was give me a war. I even let him pick. I wasn’t pushy. I wanted Iran most of all, but I’d have settled for a Syria, a Venezuela, a Ukraine, or a North Korea. Hell, I’d even have settled for a third Iraq War. It’s a little bit cliché at this point for a Republican president to bomb the shit out of Iraq, and all the best targets were hit several presidencies ago, but it would have been something. A war against an already obliterated country is still a war.

I don’t ask for much. And Trump tortured me for years with the will-he-won’t-he gameshow style of foreign policy. He threatened sending troops into Venezuela, but backed down when Putin did. He launched some missiles in Syria, and then forgot about Assad. He threatened nuking Kim Jong Un, then wrote weird love letters. But finally, America got to the cusp of the unnecessarily eager warmonger’s Holy Grail: Iran.

It would have been America’s third geographically contiguous Middle-Eastern invasion in a row: Afghanistan, Iraq, and, at last, Iran. It would have been a diplomatic hat-trick of American supremacy. And we got so close! Trump literally assassinated the top general, and Iran launched missiles right up to a US military base in Iraq. When I heard Iran launched those missiles, I immediately splooged in my pants. The United States of America would conquer the Persian Empire! My dream since childhood! But Trump refused to commit, and now I’m stuck with the biggest blue balls of my political career.

Instead of war, though, President Trump decided to spend all his energy on that Giuliani drug deal trying to extort Ukraine’s President Zelensky to solicit a political bribe involving a fake investigation into Joe Biden for Trump’s personal gain. It is a blatantly corrupt act, and I will not stay silent or miss a hugely valuable opportunity to profit personally by secretly writing a tell-all memoir about Trump’s abuses of power and releasing little details publicly in the middle of his impeachment trial to gin up pre-sale orders. It is my duty as an American to come clean once and for all about what I know and saw in a book that earned me a fat advance.

I understand President Trump is mad at me, and will call me a loser, a liar, an opportunist, and a rat, but I am no liar. I will repeat: all Trump had to do was give me a war—any war—and I’d have been quiet. But I can’t go along with a drug deal extorting a US ally for a President’s personal electoral gain. Manufactured invasions, war profiteering, deficit military spending, horrendous military-industrial contracting fraud, and human rights violations are all good with me. I love those kinds of drug deals. But blackmailing the Ukrainians just for a measly fake investigation into Joe Biden? No way.

So buy my book. Remember: with your pre-sale purchase in the next two months, you will help the truth finally get out to the American people, and earn me some sweet, sweet royalty cash. And maybe my book will be enough to convince Republicans to remove Trump from office. I can’t get rid of my blue balls until I topple a government, and, if I couldn’t get regime change in Iran, I’ll just have to settle for regime change in the United States.

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/thehalfwaypost, Tumblr at https://halfwaypost.tumblr.com, or Instagram @thehalfwaypost for more liberal, political humor and satire!

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s