President Donald Trump today tweeted a Twitter thread claiming that he actually desired John Bolton to testify in the Senate trial of his impeachment.
The following are Mr. Trump’s tweets:
“A lot of people don’t know this, but I’m not afraid at all of John Bolton testifying! I want him to testify ASAP because he’ll tell you I’m so innocent that it would blow your mind! I’d let him testify right now, but the House didn’t subpoena him during their impeachment investigation. Sorry Democrats, too late now, you were too slow!”
“But I’m 100% innocent. The Angry Democrats and Fake News won’t admit it, but I did absolutely nothing wrong. Bolton only called it a ‘drug deal‘ because my phone calls with Zelensky were so perfect he got addicted to them! He kept begging me for more calls, but I had to fire him because he was acting like a total crackhead! If I didn’t give him a perfect call every day, he’d go through withdrawal. I had no choice!”
“Bolton was constantly scratching at his neck, and his eyes couldn’t focus, and he was always begging everyone for any spare cell phone calls they might have. He started coming in late looking disheveled, and, when we’d finally give him a call or two, he’d pass out in a chair somewhere with his hands in his pants and scare school children on their field trip tours of the White House. He had to go!”
“But trust me, Bolton would totally testify that everything I did was 100% legal, and I want him to testify so bad (BELIEVE ME!) but executive privilege means no one I ever talk to can ever testify. Also, Bolton is under audit, so he can’t say anything until the audit is over, just like with my tax returns. I promise no one wants to release their tax returns more than me, but you know me… Donald Trump ALWAYS follows EVERY rule and law!”
“But I promise that John Bolton will testify right after the 2020 election. The audit of Bolton will be over, I’ll let up on the executive privilege, and he’ll be able to tell the Senate all about how innocent I am. As God as my witness, the second I’m reelected I’ll let Bolton testify. And if Republicans keep the Senate. And if none of them turn on me. Trust me! I’ve never made a vague promise kicking a transparency can down the road that I haven’t kept, and I promise I won’t break this one either!”
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/thehalfwaypost, Tumblr at https://halfwaypost.tumblr.com, or Instagram @thehalfwaypost for more liberal, political humor and satire!