Washington D.C.
In an unusual and surprising legal move, Attorney General Bill Barr took it upon himself to burn his physical, printed copy of the Mueller Report in the street outside the Department of Justice today, apparently not aware that Mueller still has digital copies on his computer while he continues to prosecute further spin-off cases related to the collusion investigation.
“Donald Trump, you’re safe now!” Barr reportedly screamed, according to several bystanders and D.C. tourists who witnessed the display of apparent evidence tampering. “The Mueller Report will never be seen by anyone ever again!”
A Halfway Post reporter arrived at the scene within minutes, and Barr was caught on camera dancing around the pile of ashes. He appeared incredibly sweaty.
“Bill Barr has saved the President,” Mr. Barr screamed at the beginning of a long monologue delivered bizarrely in the third person to the various D.C. tourists walking nearby. “Let me tell you all, that report was damning. It looked so bad for the President! Like, end of his presidency bad. But it’s all over now, because no one can prosecute Donald Trump with a report that no longer exists in this dimension of the universe! Take that Mueller! You thought you were so clever finding evidence that Trump campaign people colluded repeatedly with known Russian contacts to exchange pro-Russian policies for election assistance! So clever indeed! But who is clever now? Bill Barr is the cleverest! He has bested Mueller and saved the Trump presidency! Isn’t that right, Precious? Yes, Precious, Billy is the cleverest attorney general who has ever attorneyed! The Mueller Report is nothing more than a pile of ash in the middle of the street. Take that Adam Schiff! Take that Maxine Waters! Take that Elijah Cummings! Take that Nancy Pelosi! You’ll never know the collusion that Trump did, ever! No one will. Only me! And I’ll stitch my mouth shut if I have to! I’ll decapitate myself! The secrets of Trump’s collusion will die with me! The Mueller Report is no more! I’ll burn every report against Trump that ever gets written! I’ll burn down all of Washington D.C. if I have to! I’ll burn the entire United States! I’ll burn everything, isn’t that right, my Precious! Yes, Precious, we will! Everything will burn! Ahahahahahahahaha!”
In response, the special counsel’s office released a brief statement explaining they had already emailed Mr. Barr a new copy of the Mueller Report.
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