Trump Offers To Sacrifice Eric To Open Up The Economy

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today offered up his son Eric as a sacrifice to the coronavirus in order to open up the economy.

Trump made the following remarks during a press conference:

“We need to open up the economy, okay? It’s time. We can’t wait any longer. We need to open up. The only reason the number of cases and deaths in America is so high is because Democrats demanded all this dumb testing. If we never did a single test, we wouldn’t have any cases of the coronavirus. We’d be so healthy. It’s simple. Maybe the tests are causing the cases? Did Obama poison our tests? People are talking! But we need to open up. Some people are going to get sick and die, but that’s life. No one is more pro-life than me, okay? Nobody. I’m the most pro-life president, maybe of all time. Maybe Washington. But maybe me. Okay? Grandma and grandpa lived nice, beautiful long lives. But we need the economy back open. And I’m willing to sacrifice, too. I offer up Eric. Eric will take one for the team, and get coronavirus so that we can open up the economy. Eric is a great son, and I hate to see him go, but we need to open up. So we’re going to get the economy back up, okay? You know, I’ll going to miss Eric…. hahahahahaahaha! Sorry, I couldn’t say that with a straight face.”

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