Trump Offers To Sacrifice Eric To Open Up The Economy

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today offered up his son Eric as a sacrifice to the coronavirus in order to open up the economy.

Trump made the following remarks during a press conference:

“We need to open up the economy, okay? It’s time. We can’t wait any longer. We need to open up. It’s totally safe. The only reason the number of cases and deaths in America is so high is because Democrats demanded all this dumb testing. If we never did a single test, we wouldn’t have any cases of the coronavirus. Zero. We’d be so healthy. It’s simple. Maybe the tests are causing the cases? Did Obama poison our tests? People are talking! But we need to open up. Some people are going to get sick and die, but that’s life. Look, no one is more pro-life than me, okay? Nobody. I’m the most pro-life president, maybe of all time. Maybe Washington was more pro-life. Who knows? But it’s time, okay? Grandma and grandpa lived nice, big, beautiful, long lives, but we need the economy back open. And I’m willing to sacrifice, too. I offer up Eric. Eric will take one for the team, and get COVID so that we can open up the economy. Eric is a great son, and I hate to see him go, but we need to open up. Stocks need to go up, okay? And they can’t go up if people are hiding in their homes. So we’re going to open up. There’ll be some deaths, but I think everyone who dies will be happy they’re dying a hero for the economy. And I’m going to be effected, too. Eric is a great son. But it’s what he would have wanted for the stock market to rally. A lot of people don’t know this, but I’m really going to miss Eric—hahahahahaahaha! Sorry, I couldn’t say that with a straight face. Ivanka, now she would be a sacrifice. If she got COVID I’d shut everything down and arrest everyone who broke the quarantine. Everyone would get $1,000 a week to stay home and not risk getting a single COVID droplet anywhere near her during her recovery. Things don’t have to slow down so much for Eric. We’ll keep chugging along…. I’d miss him—that’s hilarious. Why do people say I’m not funny? But I’ll tell you what, Eric will watch over everyone’s grandparents up in Heaven, okay? He’ll make sure they have a great time. They’ll wish they would have died from COVID way sooner. I promise. So everyone call Grandma and Grandpa, say goodbye, and thank them for saving the economy. And stocks are going to come roaring back like never before, I guarantee it!”

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