Mitch McConnell Not Sure Trump Has Gained A Single Net Voter Since 2016

Washington D.C.—

According to Congressional sources, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has been worried for several weeks now about Donald Trump’s slipping poll numbers.

“Mitch just absolutely loves being Majority Leader,” explained Sean Raylor, a McConnell staffer. “He is addicted to the power of the job, and it really gets him off. Sometimes he asks me to let him choke me. But he’s gotten very worried about recent polling in states like Arizona, North Carolina, Maine, and Colorado that show Democrats have a chance of taking back Senate power, even after losing Alabama back to Republicans. Meanwhile, Georgia, Texas, Kansas and Montana are all Senate races that might become competitive. It will be very rough for us if we have to suddenly start deploying swing state resources in states we thought were safely ours. And it’s very bad for McConnell’s stress level, which is probably why he’s now asking me more regularly if he can choke me.”

Other McConnell staffers agreed the stress is reportedly starting to show on McConnell.

“McConnell’s daily routine has definitely changed,” said Rachael Inkston, McConnell’s top aide on public policy. “He used to start his days in his office reading RNC memos while nibbling on a head of lettuce for several hours, but now he’s just getting right into the big carrots he used to save for lunch when he walks in the door. And he’s very angry with Donald Trump. He thinks Trump is a raving lunatic who is ensuring Republicans will lose the Presidency and the Senate because he can’t keep his mouth closed. He was saying the other day that he doesn’t believe Trump has gained one net voter since 2016. Probably just bleeding them every time he has insulted a war widow, or a woman reporter, or some recently dead person. He said he bets Trump loses a thousand voters every day for being a sociopathic moron most independents and a lot of moderate Republicans don’t feel comfortable with in any position of power.”

Other staffers noted McConnell’s efforts behind the scenes to convince Trump to calm down in public.

“Mitch has begged him to stop tweeting,” said Tommy Playfair, an RNC staffer who requested anonymity to candidly discuss internal Republican affairs. “You know, Mitch loves going whole weeks without any comments for the press. Mitch often compares his leadership style in Congress to the manner of an arachnid lying in weight unseen and unheard to catch his prey all at once with overpowering speed and precision to capture it and then slowly and methodically suck out its life. He hates big publicity, and thinks actions speak much louder than words. Trump is the complete opposite. No action, all talk. He thinks Trump could have been quietly the most effective Republican president in history if not for his massive toddler ego that demands attention at all times. McConnell said making legislation with Trump and planning strategy for its execution is like pulling teeth because Trump has the attention span of a 6-year-old. Mitch would always come back from White House meetings fuming, and saying it was impossible to make Trump understand basic concepts of politics, economics, and legal theory. Mitch got fed up with Trump, and eventually just focused on ramming through as many conservative judges as possible, since we had so many vacancies thanks to Mitch’s spider web-esque efforts blocking Obama from filling them. It just isn’t worth it for McConnell or his staff to spend their time or attention trying to make a deal with Trump or his administration. He always says he’s a great dealmaker, but no one has seen an iota of evidence all these years. Why do you think there was never an Obamacare replacement plan? We had the votes for two years. But Trump would out of nowhere get rolled by Schumer and Pelosi into a compromise that more radical Republicans would never agree to, or watch Fox News and get upset about some minor criticism and go on Twitter and say some bitchy thing that totally ruins the careful negotiations we had been working on. That’s why we had to just give up on all those infrastructure weeks we were always planning early in Trump’s presidency. He’s just an idiot. He doesn’t read, he doesn’t learn, and he believes more conspiracy theories than reality theories. He can’t even go to a church and pretend to be Christian without screwing it up. I cannot emphasize this enough that Mitch McConnell loathes Donald Trump. The fact that Trump’s presidency is threatening to take away all national power from Republicans has Mitch depressed. He’s wondering if he has sold his whole soul to white nationalism by holding off on criticizing Trump’s racism and fascist demagoguery, or if there is any soul he has left to bargain with Satan to at least keep his Senate seat, which might also slip into a tossup race. He told me the other day that losing Senate majority power might kill him. Then he asked me if he could choke me.”

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