St. Louis, MO—
The Halfway Post conducted a survey of presidential historians, and a stunning 93% of them reported that, at some point this weekend, they got out their spreadsheets of presidential rankings and moved Donald Trump to the bottom.
“I was kind of still thinking Buchanan, Pierce, or Johnson might be worse than Trump, but this weekend sealed the deal for me,” said Benjamin Franks, a published biographer of 9 presidents. “I mean, the math is just staggering. We have 100,000 dead from coronavirus, and we had the worst response of almost any country on Earth. We have tens of millions unemployed, and our stock market has totally gone off the rails and in no way reflects the reality that we’re in a depression right now and we just haven’t realized it yet. And now Trump is race-baiting and instigating a race war to distract from the fact that our country is in shambles. Our cities are burning, and there are fascist instigators itching to get a turn helping enforce martial law. It’s a powder-keg, and Trump won’t is too cowardly to even give a speech about it or mention the riots outside of tweets. A nothing man has nothing to say.”
Other historians concurred.
“He has no message for any of our current crises,” said Linda Hampstead, a Smithsonian curator of historical symposiums. “What would he tell us? He said he alone could fix this, and here we plainly see he’s made everything worse. Other countries around the world are currently protesting America’s human rights violations. That’s not normal, and it certainly doesn’t suggest America is great. He told us coronavirus cases would stop at 15 and go down to zero. And this is totally ignoring the separate sphere of Trump’s awfulness in which he has woefully underfunded and understaffed our government, and is meanwhile blatantly beholden to foreign and monetary influences he is hiding from America on a dozen legal fronts. Donald Trump, essentially, needs fascism for personal shelter from prison, and for getting reelected to continue leveraging America against debts he owes to foreign oligarchs. Worst president ever.”
Some historians got very dark.
“Really, the only explanation for any of Trump’s actions, words and tweets is that he wants to inspire right-wing white supremacist terrorists into helping him take dictatorial power over the United States,” said Thomas Hannah, directer of the US National History Museum. “He said he might be better than Abraham Lincoln recently. That is laughable. Lincoln barely kept the country together, Trump is willfully tearing us apart. What a dark joke Donald Trump’s miserable life and wretched sociopathic id have subjected us to. It was nice knowing you, America.”
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!
The Halfway Post 