Vice President Mike Pence today told reporters this afternoon that America does not appreciate everything President Donald Trump is doing for America.
“No one is doing more to speed up the Rapture than Donald Trump,” explained Pence in the beginning of a meandering monologue to the press. “The Democrats make it seem like COVID is a big deal because so many people are dying prematurely, but that’s just like Democrats to question God’s perfect plan, isn’t it? In fact, the more people who die from the coronavirus means the more likely it is that Jesus Christ will come back to intervene and save everyone from COVID, so he can then snap his fingers, bring about the end times, and send everyone but the chosen few to Hell like as described in Revelations. I support Donald Trump making all of our country’s problems worse with my full, Christian heart. Like any good Republican, I am confident Jesus will come back any day now, possibly any minute now, but certainly in my lifetime. The Democrats call it ‘narcissistic,’ and ‘unprofessional,’ and ‘bad governance’ to be entirely unconcerned with the future, but that’s because the Democrats are all atheists. And, if you ask me, it’s narcissistic of Democrats to care about domestic policy, and foreign policy, and public health as if they’re pretending to be good Christians with good deeds. REAL Christians know they’re justified in faith alone! In fact, good deeds are a heresy! No good Christian would ever get in the way of God making apparently sinful people suffer! Liberals are always trying to help the poor, and the old, and the needy, and children, but it’s absurd for Democrats to think that’s anyone’s job except Jesus’s job. If there are suffering people in America, maybe Jesus wants them to suffer, and who are we to question Jesus Christ? Like any good Republican, Donald Trump and I ask why we should bother getting involved with the problems of our society’s marginalized. And why bother trying to fix all the geopolitical problems around the globe? Who cares if human rights are being denied and trampled on all around the world? This life doesn’t matter at all! Only the next life matters, and my next life is going to be amazing. I’ve only had sexual intercourse with my wife three times, which resulted in my three kids. How many people can say that? I’m three for three in terms of Godly conception! So my life and afterlife prospects are going great. And Donald Trump’s life is going even better, probably because he has never once tried to intervene in God’s apportionment of injustice! So when Democrats criticize President Trump, or Republican healthcare policy, or conservative objections to raising the minimum wage, or any number of liberal delusions of moral grandeur, just know that they’re attacking Jesus, and God, and they’re all going to burn in Hell forever for feeling empathy for the least among us. For all we know, Jesus is coming back tomorrow, so why waste our time today trying to solve problems that might not exist in a couple months, or a few years, but certainly before I die! I know generations of Christians going back to Jesus’s death have thought Jesus’s return was imminent, but my personal lifetime for sure is the one that will see Jesus’s return!”
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