Mike Pence Says He’ll Debate Kamala Harris, But Only If She Doesn’t Try To Seduce Him

Washington D.C.—

Vice President Mike Pence has reportedly been doing some soul-searching since Joe Biden announced Kamala Harris as his running mate.

“Mike is a little worried about debating Harris in the vice presidential debate,” said a White House staffer anonymously to The Halfway Post after a morning of helping Mr. Pence prepare for the VP debate. “He has never debated a woman before, so he spent several hours consulting the Bible to see if that kind of thing is even Biblically permitted. He found some Old Testament quotes forbidding him to touch women who have been on their period within the last seven days so he got real concerned about the obligatory handshake at the beginning of the debate. He told us he was worried about Kamala’s menstrual cycle, but said he couldn’t ask because ‘Mother’ would not be comfortable with him asking another woman about her uterus, so he almost called the VP debate off. President Trump made it even harder for us to convince Pence to commit to the debate because Trump has spent the last few days warning Pence that Kamala is a ‘nasty woman’ who has ‘a lot of blood coming out of her wherever.’ But finally we got Pence to calm down when we convinced him that, since Kamala was 55 years old, she was probably menopausal already. He was so relieved about that, and finally we got him to focus on the debate prep.”

But then Pence started having doubts again.

“For some reason, Mike Pence all of a sudden got the idea that Harris is a succubus sent by Satan to threaten his marriage,” explained another White House staffer. “He told us he had room in his life for only one mother: his wife, Karen. He announced that he’d walk off the debate stage if at any moment Harris tried to blow a kiss at him, or wink at him, or smile at him while making eye contact, or refer to him informally as ‘Michael,’ or pull her shirt’s neckline to flash her shoulder or clavicle at him, or lean forward exposing any amount of cleavage, or ever approach within a foot-and-a-half of him, which he called his ‘Jesus space.’ We told him repeatedly that there was no reason any of that would ever happen, and that Kamala was probably more liable to think he was a closeted homosexual than to try and be a home-wrecker or have some kind of illicit affair, but Pence was adamant that if he got the impression for even one second that she was trying to seduce him he’d walk right off the debate stage and make a beeline for the nearest church where that ‘Satanic succubus would burst into flames’ if she tried to follow him inside. Believe it or not, though, as prissy as Pence is, he’s way easier to prep for a debate than Donald Trump. Trump doesn’t believe in preparing for anything, and spends all the scheduled prep hours watching adult smut videos on his phone and interrupting the mock debate to ask everyone whether they thought Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds would play him in a movie.”

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