Washington D.C.—
There is a civil war brewing in the Trump family, and President Donald Trump’s kids are reportedly jockeying amongst each other over who will inherit the most money in their father’s will, who will get which Trump-branded property, and who will get their father’s endorsement to run for president in 2024 or beyond.
According to Trump Organization insiders, Eric and Donald Jr. have committed to an alliance together to better combat the seeming advantage Ivanka and her husband Jared Kushner seem to have in their father’s approval.
“I’m not going to speculate on any kind of secret alliance,” explained Eric Trump in a brief phone conversation with The Halfway Post, “but I will say that my father has very bad taste in daughters. My half-sister Tiffany is way hotter, if you ask me, which I can say from the half of me that is not related to her. I don’t know why my father thinks Ivanka is the hottest Trump, but I personally think she’s gross, and a total phony. My brother Donald Jr. just coincidentally happens to agree with me that Ivanka is a stuck up brat, and her husband Jared is a total loser who has no business inheriting any of the family money through Ivanka. All he cares about is stealing what rightfully belongs to me and Don Jr. He’s a real conniving guy. I think he only married Ivanka to get our dad’s real estate properties. I’ve even heard him tell Ivanka to change into more revealing clothing when we’re meeting up at family gatherings to impress our dad. He’ll tell her to put on a pushup bra, or wear a shirt with a deeper V, and then he’ll ‘accidentally’ drop things in front of Dad so Ivanka can bend down in front of him to pick them up. It’s gross! I’m not calling my sister an incestual whore, but I just think it’s unfair that my dad yells at me to pull my pants up when I do the same trick. My butt crack isn’t good enough for my father, but Ivanka’s crack is? Give me a break! And then sometimes Jared sends text messages to our dad with photos of Ivanka in her bra, and then writes ‘oops, that was meant for Ivanka.’ But it’s so obvious what he’s doing! And it’s unfair because when I ‘accidentally’ send my dad photos of my wife in her bra, he texts back that I’m a loser and missing out on valuable tabloid press attention by not publicly cheating on her. I don’t understand why these tricks work for Jared and Ivanka, but not me!”
Donald Jr. also responded to a Halfway Post phone call.
“Ivanka and Jared think they’re like JFK and Jackie,” explained Don Jr., “but they’d be the worst power couple in American history. Jared Kushner would make the world’s ugliest First Lady! He’d be even uglier than Abigail Fillmore, and she was hideous! He’s not even a lady! So Eric and I have entered into an agreement to handicap them in the eyes of our father. We’ve even got Melania on our side, too. She hates Ivanka even more than we do, so she’s willing to do anything we ask as long as we promise to give Barron a good job in the Trump Organization when Eric is made president of the company. She’s been secretly crushing up estrogen pills and sneakily stirring the powder into Jared’s coffee at the White House. If Ivanka is going to beat me to the presidency, we’ll make sure she actually does have a First Lady! Ha! Meanwhile, Eric just stole Ivanka’s diary, and is starting a Tumblr blog where he publishes all of Ivanka’s secrets online! We’re going to reveal how Ivanka has regular dreams in which she ditches Jared and elopes to Canada with Justin Trudeau. Eric is also going to reveal how our dad used to ask her for urine samples when she was a teenager claiming they were for doctor checkups, but now it’s pretty obvious he was doing sexual things with her pee. We’re going to ruin Jared and Ivanka, and make sure they’ll never beat me in a Republican primary!”
From The Halfway Post vault:
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