Trump Says 3 COVID Ghosts Visited Him Last Night

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump this morning addressed the viral news that he has COVID19 in the following series of tweets:

“This positive coronavirus test has made me reconsider things about my presidency and life, and I’d like to apologize to America for doing one of the worst jobs as president in history. I know I say all the time I’ve done more than all of them put together, but the truth is I’m miserable watching Fox News for 5 hours every day as they deify me.”

“Because I don’t even believe in God. I think the world is a cruel, dark, godless place, and that must be why I act the way I do. But I’ve been thinking a lot about mortality and posterity since I found out I have COVID, and I’ve had a bit of an Ebenezer Scrooge moment. Three COVID ghosts visited me last night!”

“They showed me what a miserable wretch I have been my entire life putting money and personal vanity ahead of everything else. The COVID ghosts showed me the people I have hurt, the lives I have ruined, and the national stability I have shaken up! I’m sorry America!”

“The first COVID ghost showed me several glimpses of my childhood back when I was a carefree child, and he showed me the abuse and torment my father used to subject me to! I watched my father turn me into the heartless, ruthless shell of a man I became!”

“The second COVID ghost showed me all kinds of examples of the ways my cruel and self-obsessed governance has ruined Americans’ lives these past few years. There is nothing I can do to undo the damage I have already done, but I promise to spend the rest of my presidency HELPING instead of HURTING! I had no idea the horrible effects my willful lack of empathy was having!”

“And to Donald Jr. and Eric: I love you. I’m sorry I’ve never said it before, or showed you any fatherly warmth at all! I’m sorry I mocked you in front of your friends, your business colleagues, your wives and children, and I’m sorry I acted out my rage against my father by becoming just like him for you two! Please forgive me! The COVID ghost showed me how often you two cry because of me every day!”

“The third COVID ghost showed me a glimpse of the day I will die, and I was horrified to see billions of people around America and the entire world dancing for joy that I’m gone. It was almost too much to bear, but I understand now how much I am hated and loathed! So I promise I will be better! And today I’m getting poor Mark Meadows a turkey for his family!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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