Washington D.C.—
According to a brand new deep-dive report by The Halfway Post, President Donald Trump owes just under $175 million in loans to a Moscow-based corporation titled “Pee Tape LLC.”
The Halfway Post reached out to this corporation’s listed contact phone number, and the spokesman who picked up, named Dimitri Mallinistov, said that President Trump’s pee tape also involved a lot of lewd sexual acts with McDonalds food items.
“The Steele Dossier was spot on,” Mallinistov explained. “Your President wasn’t hard to lure into a classic sex tape espionage sting, let me tell you. And he has been taking our loans ever since like an addict. Quite frankly, your president is Russia’s prostitute. It all started during the Miss Universe contest in Moscow when we went out partying and afterwards he wanted fast food, so we drove him to a McDonalds as he requested, and I have never seen a more disgusting order. I’ve quite literally seen a full-sized Siberian brown bear fill up on less garbage than your President. He ordered four Big Macs, two large fries, two Filets-O-Fish, and three large chocolate shakes, which he explained were for him to drink one on the way back to the hotel, one while he ate, and the third for dessert afterwards. We had planted a camera in the room, so we asked him if he wanted us to send any of the best prostitutes Moscow had to offer up to his room, and the guy, to his credit, denied them. He was munching on the first Filet-O-Fish, and he told us he was going to go to bed early. So we went into the office in the basement to monitor the camera feed of Mr. Trump’s room, and what we witnessed I will never forget. The sexual acts with which your President violated those McDonalds products made our AV technician vomit several times into a wastebasket. Trump quickly undressed and lathered himself up to his neck in chocolate ice cream. I could not in good conscience explain to your readers where Mr. Trump stuffed his french fries, and I have never found the right words in English to adequately describe the fate of that poor, unfortunate second Filet-O-Fish. The next morning when your President checked out to fly back to America, we found the bed littered with mutilated Big Mac buns. The ones he hadn’t eaten during his night of ravenous lust probably wished they had been eaten.”
Mallinistov sighed. Then he continued.
“There’s a reason your president has entirely forsaken his oath to protect his country’s national security and domestic interests from foreign meddling, and it’s because this tape he knows we have is magnificently humiliating. There will never be a Trump Tower Moscow defiling our beautiful skyline with his terrible taste for the color gold and his name lit up at the top, but it’s so cute how we just dangle it in front of him and he does everything we say. And all of his foreign policy over the last four years as president has been guided by our omnipresent ownership of his financial future. It’s a shame he is too stupid to get reelected and will certainly be going to prison soon. But Mother Russia received quite a beautiful four years of a President always willing to put Russia’s good ahead of the good of America!”
From The Halfway Post vault:
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