Donald Trump Promises He’ll Win, But Says If He Loses It’s Mike Pence’s Fault

Pittsburgh, PA—

President Donald Trump told supporters at several rallies today that he’s 100% confident he’ll win the election, but also said that if he somehow manages to lose due to unprecedented illegal immigrant voting then the fault for his loss belongs with Vice President Mike Pence.

Trump reiterated this sentiment in a rally he held outside Pittsburgh, PA, today. The following are remarks he made eventually blaming Pence in a rambling soliloquy:

“Don’t believe the polls, everybody. They’re all fake. Fake news polls. The real polls show me winning by record numbers. The fake polls only interview illegal immigrants. CNN hasn’t interviewed or polled a real citizen in years! They can’t find any who support Biden! The only people who support Biden are undocumented illegals because they know Joe will go into the suburbs, steal all the white women’s houses, and give them away for free to anyone who isn’t white. It shouldn’t be allowed, and I won’t allow it when I win reelection, I guarantee it. Joe Biden will totally ruin America. He’ll destroy everything. Dead birds will be everywhere from AOC’s Green New Deal wind farms. There will be mountains of bald eagles underneath every wind turbine. You’ll never see and eagle again! And the turbines will give everyone around for thirty miles in every direction cancer. It’s unbelievable Democrats think they can get away with it. But, trust me, you won’t recognize America anymore if Joe Biden wins. You’ll be dead, and so will everyone else. And if you’re not dead, Joe Biden will make you Castro’s socialist slave, and you’ll wish you were dead! Joe Biden is a Cuban Castro puppet, and he will not stop until every US state is turned communist. Only I can stop it. And that’s why I’m way ahead in the real polls. There’s no way Sleepy Joe can win. America doesn’t want him. We like low taxes, don’t we? Joe Biden will crush you with taxes. The taxes will be so heavy it will crush you to death. And he’s going to tax white, suburban women extra because he hates them so much. I love suburban women. So give me your votes, suburban women! If Joe Biden wins you can say goodbye to the suburbs. You’ll be urban women from January 20th onwards. And say goodbye to being women, too. The radical Democrats will force you to change gender. Americans will never be allowed to be women ever again! And all your windows will be so small. And they’ll never let you frack ever again. Joe Biden wants to kill fracking, and wants all the coal miners to never work again. If you’re a coal miner Biden will force you to starve, and once you’re dead he’ll take your children to Planned Parenthood to be aborted by Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton. So vote Trump. You have to. I think I have most of the votes. The real polls show me way ahead. The real polls even have me winning New York. Can you believe it? They said I’d never win Wisconsin, but the real polls say I’m going to win the tippy top liberal blue state. It’s unbelievable how big I’m going to win. I’m going to win so big I might as well announce my victory at noon on election day! Why bother counting the votes at all? It won’t even be close. So let’s just shut down the election early so everyone can celebrate your favorite president getting another four years. We’ll give Sleepy Joe the state of Delaware. That’s fair right? Give him his own state? Biden can have Delaware. But all the others are Trump states! I’m practically reelected already. There’s no way I don’t win. And if somehow Democrats cheat enough with their caravans of illegal migrants they bus up from Mexico, it won’t be my fault. My campaign has been perfect. My COVID response has been perfect. Best economy of all time. Most stable genius we’ve ever had. So if somehow I don’t win, I hate to say it, but I think Mike Pence hasn’t been carrying his weight. Sorry, Mike, but as COVID Czar you may have let too many people die. I did everything perfect, but a President is only as good as his COVID Czar, right? What do you think, should I fire him? Should I say, Mike, you’re fired? You’re fired, Mike! We’ll see. We’ll see. The real polls have me so far ahead. Tremendous polls. The best polls maybe of all time. So vote Trump. Especially all you suburban women. And if suburban women don’t vote Trump I may have to lock them up. I don’t want to, but if the suburban women rig the election against me that’s some serious presidential harassment. It should be illegal to treat a president so unfairly. But we’ll see. The polls look great. Biggest red wave in history!”

President Trump then talked for ten minutes about how mean Dr. Fauci is for saying COVID is getting worse.

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