Nancy Pelosi: “If Trump Doesn’t Leave We’ll Cancel The White House’s Cable TV!”

Washington D.C.—

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi today addressed concerns that President Donald Trump would neither accept defeat nor leave the White House on January 20th if he lost the election.

The following was Speaker Pelosi’s response:

“Oh, he’ll leave alright. On January 19th, the House of Representatives will cut funding for the White House’s cable television, and he’ll wake up and have to start his day without Fox & Friends. The President is a toddler-brained egomaniac, and he will get bored so quickly, and get so uncomfortable sitting alone with his horrifyingly self-conscious thoughts that he’ll go screaming out of the White House the second he realizes he can’t watch a taping of yesterday’s Tucker Carlson or Sean Hannity’s groveling, rhetorical eye-contact suckjob. The President’s constant, compulsive need for personal validation will immediately drive him insane without access to Fox News. But we have backup plans as well. If he’s not out the door ten minutes after noon, we’ll turn off the Internet and direct the White House staff to remove all ice cream from the premises. Ten minutes later, the staff will remove all his hairspray and foundation makeup. Ten minutes after that, I will personally go in there, get a big handful of his toupee, and rip out all his stitched-in fake hair if that’s what it takes and throw him out on the front lawn. It will be my version of grabbing the President by his you-know-what!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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