President Donald Trump is vowing to fight against his apparent election loss in the courts, amplifying fears that he’ll refuse to leave the White House.
However, Democrats are gleefully debating options to forcibly remove him. The biggest debate has been over who gets the honor of grabbing him by his fake hair and dragging him out while he yells about how much time and hairspray it takes to get it molded into shape.
Joe Biden reportedly passed on the honor in anticipation of a full day attending the typical inaugural events celebrating the beginning of his presidency, at which point Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi immediately called dibs.
“I believe I will be speaking and acting for women across this country when I pop a Tic Tac into my mouth, don’t ask, and grab the President by his implanted weasel hair moving on him like a b****,” Speaker Pelosi told The Halfway Post this afternoon. “Then, with my other hand, I’ll pinch his ear and force him out the door, and make him apologize to America for everything he’s done on a camera pre-planted on the White House lawn as if he were a toddler son of mine misbehaving. If the President refuses to act his age, I will refuse to treat him like an adult. As a mother and grandmother, I know a toddler when I see one, and what he really deserves is several hard spankings, but I’m afraid that creepy old pervert would enjoy it too much. He also deserves to get his disgusting, undemocratic, fascist mouth washed out with soap, but, frankly, I don’t want to get anywhere near his mouth where, no doubt, his COVID germs are having a pool party. But he will leave the White House one way or the other. It’s up to him whether he wants to act his age, or if he wants to be an immature child. I, and most of America, are expecting the latter. But children who misbehave get punished. The President deserves to be grounded for the rest of his life, and I fully anticipate the state of New York doing just that.”
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