Washington D.C.—
The Halfway Post has just learned that Republican Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene previously spent three years hunting for Bigfoot in the Pacific Northwest.
Ms. Greene recently lost her committee assignments in the House of Representatives on account of threatening Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, as well as past support for fringe conspiracy theories like QAnon and the 9/11 Truthers. Now cryptozoology and Sasquatch can be added to her list of speculations.
“I renounce my previous support for QAnon,” Ms. Greene said in a House floor speech following the chamber vote to reprimand her, “and believe me when I say unambiguously that 9/11 was no inside job, but I will never renounce my faith that Bigfoot is out there in the woods hiding from civilization’s encroachment. I may not have obtained any concrete proof yet, but I know for a fact that on that late October night in 1997 those piercing shriek sounds me and my fellow Bigfoot hunters heard at about midnight belonged to no coyote, wolf, bear, boar, or any other wild animal. I will never stop believing in Sasquatch, and if things don’t work out in politics for me now that the lunatic Democrats want to cancel me, I’ll just head back out West and dedicate the rest of my life to bringing back a Bigfoot body to prove it exists once and for all!”
Ms. Greene later told The Halfway Post that she still believes in the following:
- Alien abductions and butt probes
- Shape-shifting lizards are working in government jobs
- The sun is just a giant Jewish space flashlight
- Underground mole people
- Underwater merpeople
- Moon people
- Hitler is still alive in Argentina
- Hillary Clinton was Kenyan just like Obama
- The Illuminati and Free Masons
- The Earth is flat
- Climate change is a hoax
- The Declaration of Independence is secretly a treasure map
- Paul McCartney really did die in 1967 and got replaced with a look-alike
- Mothman
- Momo
- Chupacabra
- Jersey Devil
- Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer
- NASA faked the moon landing
- Australia is a hoax
- Benjamin Franklin never existed
- Squirrels are satan’s spies
- Dolphins aren’t mammals
Surprisingly, Ms. Greene confirmed she does not believe in the Loch Ness Monster.
“I’ll never waste my time going to Europe to hunt a socialist cryptid!” Greene exclaimed.
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