Alarmed By Evangelical Support Of Donald Trump, God Prepares New New Testament

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Heaven—

The presidential candidacy of Donald Trump was a test from God, one that God admits he regrets giving.

“It is painfully clear that evangelical voters were unprepared for this test, and frankly I could not be more disappointed in my Creation,” God said this afternoon in a public statement.

The Halfway Post reached out to God this evening, and God offered some rare, candid perspective on Donald Trump’s success in the 2016 Republican primaries and general election.

“I don’t know how I could have made this test of Christian values any easier for evangelicals,” God said. “I made this guy literally the antithesis of Christianity, and he still somehow won thanks to the voters who claim they look to me for political guidance. What the fuck?!”

The election was some months ago, but the idea of Mr. Trump being president of His favorite country still gets Him worked up.

“I wrote two fucking books that could be summed up with the following statement: Don’t be like Donald Trump! And they’re not short books. I literally went down to Earth myself and crucified myself to make the point crystal clear: don’t be shitty! And all these voters who claim to be doing my work down there voted for the shittiest human being on this planet. This guy has had three wives and cheated on all of them; he’s screwed over virtually everyone he’s ever worked with and everyone who has ever worked for him; and he’s the most obviously narcissistic, ego-maniac person on this entire planet, and I should know! I created him! I even made him stupid! The guy’s head is empty except for undeserved self-adoration, and still, somehow, evangelicals looked at the terrible, racist, sexist things he’s said and done his entire life and thought that guy should be president. It’s unbelievable! Atheist liberals have become America’s Christian moral center! 2016 still makes me furious today—I oughta send some more plagues, that’s what I oughta do!”

Our Halfway Post reporter recommended God take a five-minute break to cool off a little, and when God resumed the interview he offered his strategy going forward.

“I gotta write another fucking book apparently. A New New Testament. It’s gonna be one single page long, and just say ‘Stop admiring Donald Trump—I swear to God if you vote for him in 2020 you’re gonna burn in Hell forever!’”

When asked who God would have voted for, the answer came quick.

“Of course I’d have voted for Bernie Sanders. A socialist Jew wandering from city to city clamoring to help the sick, poor, homeless, and disenfranchised? If the guy were Arab he’d practically be Jesus! Ah that gives me an idea! Page two of the upcoming New New Testament: ‘Vote for Bernie Sanders in 2020 or everyone gets boils and locusts!’”

Our Halfway Post reporter asked God if Mr. Sanders’ age would be a political liability.

“Hell no, I’m God. I’m gonna start bringing back 900-year lifespans, and first up is Bernie! Ha! Make sure this gets in your article, the first slogan for Bernie’s 2020 campaign: ‘Feel the Bern! Seriously…or you will literally burn!’ Ah, maybe it’s too wordy, I’ll get back to you.”

Thanks for the interview, God.

(Photo courtesy of God.)

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