After Lunch With Infowars’ Alex Jones, Trump Announces Declaration Of War Against The Martians

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President Donald Trump invited Infowars conspiracist Alex Jones to a White House lunch date yesterday, and though the meeting was originally planned for half an hour, the discussion lasted for over two hours.

The topics discussed were not disclosed to the public, but a subsequent Trump Administration foreign policy shift offers a clue to what they might have talked about.

Earlier this morning in the Rose Garden, Mr. Trump announced in a rare press conference that he was directing his National Security Council and military advisers to explore options for a preemptive invasion of the planet Mars in order to stop the Martian slave trade of abducted American teenagers that Mr. Jones has covered extensively on his conspiracies show.

“Most people don’t know this, but the Martians are some very bad people,” Trump said. “They come here and they probe us, and they steal some beautiful, just beautiful teenagers and take them back to Mars, which, by the way, means that the Martians are just killing us in a teenager trade war. I’ve always said President Obama should have done more to stop the Martians, but I promise you that I will get the job done. And Hillary Clintonas I’m sure you know, and her Martian nuclear dealsand then the Martian donations to the Clinton Foundation, boy I tell you—But I’m going to rip up whatever Martian agreements and trade deals there are, and, I tell you what, I’m gonna bring whatever factories are over there back to America, and I’m gonna put a stop to this teenager slave trade. I promise Martians are once again going to respect the United States of America.”

When Mr. Trump asked the White House press pool if they had any questions, the correspondents didn’t know which questions to ask first.

Immediately after the press conference, Trump submitted formal requests to both chambers of Congress for war authorization in a newly opened front in the War on Terror, but received no response from either Speaker of the House Paul Ryan or Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell at time of publishing.

Alex Jones took to his radio show yesterday evening to praise President Trump’s masculinity and decisiveness as a leader.

“Donald Trump is like the Jesus of space,” Jones said, his face turning various shades of purple throughout his rant. “He’s going to rocket American soldiers to Mars, and once and for all show the entire universe that America is the top dog. Hillary Clinton of course will be leading the Martian troops from her Martian lair, because she’s a treasonous general there and has never loved America, but she will be no match for Donald J. Trump, I tell you that! Hillary Clinton may have an army of dragons, and minotaurs, and 6-foot tall Muslim wolverines, and she may drink the blood of those poor kidnapped teenagers, but finally we have a president not afraid to use nuclear weapons in space and Killary Clinton will be defeated and vanquished back to the shadow realm from whence she came!”

National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster refused to offer a comment, and so did everyone else in the Trump Administration.

*This story is developing.*

(Photo courtesy of Kevin Gill.)

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