Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump reportedly asked his generals if he could get samples of North Korea, Iran, and Syria before he decides which major war he wants to start in order to try and salvage his failing approval ratings.
“Trump asked if he could somehow get little appetizer bites of what a whole war with each country would be like,” said a White House Staffer who requested anonymity to discuss such sensitive information. “He is afraid that he’ll choose one war and ultimately decide that he does not want to have to finish it all the way through. He wants to be able to pick a war he’ll enjoy for as long as it lasts, and maybe even want more of when he’s finished.”
However, Trump’s first sample was reportedly North Korea, and so was his last.
“The military is fairly confident—obviously Trump’s erratic behavior makes him impossible to guess—but the military believes Trump is leaning toward a war with North Korea,” said the staffer. “It comes in the flavor of dictatorship, which is the President’s favorite flavor, and a Korean War really is an American classic.”
Trump’s second choice appears to be Iran, which comes with Islamophobic sprinkles, and would really be a bold choice for Trump.
“A scoop of war with Iran would be the first scoop in the package,” said the staffer, “And the President really thinks the first scoop of a war is the best scoop. When the top is smooth and untainted from relative peace, he thinks it just tastes a little better.”
Trump’s least likely choice is a war with Syria.
“The President is not too enamored with the Syrian flavor,” said the staffer. “Vladimir Putin already picked that war, and this President is really a guy who likes to stand out on his own. And besides, if Trump picks a different flavor, he hopes that he and Putin can trade a taste for a taste.”
The White House communications team did not respond to The Halfway Post’s requests for a comment.
(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)
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