Heaven—
The Republican Party’s moral and existential integrity has been shredded through years of shameless, partisan hackery, and US voting records suggest that Millennial voters are emotionally, and oftentimes physically, repulsed by contemporary conservatism.
However, young people are not the only demographic souring on GOP politics. Angels, who make up approximately 99% of the voting populace in the District of Heaven, have turned away from the Republican Party at rates deemed alarming by political analysts. Inspiring the GOP exodus further, Jesus Christ Himself yesterday publicly burned his Republican Party membership card in a protest of the Republican tax bill.
The Halfway Post caught up with Jesus after the ceremony, and recorded the following interview. It has been lightly edited for clarity.
The Halfway Post {THP}: Burning your GOP membership card was a dramatic statement.
Jesus: Sometimes you just can’t get heard without sassiness. I don’t know how to make it any clearer that conservatives have lost their minds. To be totally honest—full disclosure—I’ve been voting Democrat since FDR, and the last Republican I actually supported was Eisenhower. I stayed in the party professionally to try and be a guiding force on its internal direction, but their magnetic North flipped or something and they’re all—well, maybe I shouldn’t disclose this—ah, what the Hell—they’re all digging their way down to the fire pit with their selfish politics if you catch My drift. Metaphorically and—take it from Me, Jesus—literally. Metaphysically, too. The GOP is morally mistaken on literally every issue except abortion, and they’ve become so militant about it that they don’t realize that the solution to abortion is doing everything they stand against in regards to healthy sexuality. But wow, have they been putting words in my mouth. The shit they think I believe. Morons. They make it so obvious they don’t actually read the Bible. Take it from me: the speed with which a person rhetorically humps a Bible is inverse to the number of pages they’ve actually read. I mean, the Bible is straight-up not the Word of God. Let’s just get that fact out there and canonized. People wrote it because they were so amazed at how Abraham and David and Moses were such dope dudes. And besides, you humans took out some of the best books of the Bible. All the stuff about me is rated-PG now, but man there was some real saucy stuff that got edited out. It was the 0020’s, A-D, you know what I mean? I’m just saying Mary Magdalene knew what she wanted and went for it. Yowza. If I could relive one decade… But, for real for real, the average conservative needs to think critically about moral issues, and not be so militantly ignorant and tribalistic. For real for real.
THP: Is there any hope for conservatives to center themselves back toward reality in the Trump era?
Jesus: Are you kidding me? Did you watch that Alabama election where the child molester only barely lost? Did you watch Trump get nominated and elected? I don’t know, I guess they could read a book or some literature for once and gain an ounce of empathy for strangers and foreigners. White conservatives and the Republican Party as a whole just fear everything and everyone. In fact, black liberal women have become the heart and backbone of this country, and black people in general are fighting off fascism while white conservatives are brainless enough to think it might be a good idea. To be honest, I’m kind of fed up with white people. I’ll tell you what, though, the Big Guy Upstairs is getting madder than I’ve seen him get since the Old Testament days. I heard him rage-mumbling in his sleep the other day that he’s going to bring back slavery, but for white people who have sabotaged the world geopolitically for everyone not vitamin D-deficient. I’m just saying to all the white conservatives, I’d chill it a little bit with the racism stuff if I were you. Ya-Wheezy is getting pretty mad. Do you red states all want locusts? I really shouldn’t tell you this, but God’s been going into the basement a lot and working at His tinkering table lately. I snuck a peak the other day, and he’s got some f***ed up new genus of frogs with razor sharp teeth going into assembly. There’s still time for this country’s conservatives to stop being such amoral assholes and get the Big Guy to change His mind, albeit not much. Just saying.
THP: Thanks for the heads up. So what’s ahead for your political future?
Jesus: Well, I’m a bit of a free-agent at the moment now that I’ve officially renounced Republicans, but I have been interested in maybe dabbling in a little libertarianism, actually. I just got into Bitcoin, and I gotta say I’m a little hooked. Little late to the game, I know, but I’ve shelled out and bought a handful of Bitcoins, and I’m just excited to see how high they can climb. I’m also kind of interested in starting a pot dispensary in Colorado or California. Full legalization is only six years away—you can write that down if you want—and mary j. is gonna be a major cash crop. Trying to set myself up for a good 2020’s decade. I’m gonna have a real me-decade, and just kind of get myself grounded again—really get into touch with who I am and what I want. I’ve been very nostalgic lately for the monastic lifestyle I used to have, and I want to tap back into that vibe. I’m kind of blogging about it and maybe I can turn it into, like, a lifestyle blog or something. Sell some advertising above the header, and whatnot. I heard on Instagram that if you get enough followers, clothing brands will just send you clothes for free to advertise in your photos. That sounds pretty awesome. I’m not really headed in any direction directly, but you just gotta take every day one at a time, you know what I mean?
Thanks for the interview, Jesus.
(Picture courtesy of James Shepard.)
The Halfway Post 