Mike Pence, Pissed That God Hasn’t Made Him President Yet, Converts To Atheism


Washington D.C.—

In a stunning life reversal, Vice President Mike Pence took to Twitter this morning to announce his conversion from Evangelical Christianity to atheism.

He explained in a Twitter thread that he has recently been convinced that God could not be real due to the fact that Donald Trump was still president:


“When I accepted the VP job, I only took it because I was sure God would make me president within six months. I felt sure that God was talking to me, and telling me that the election of Donald Trump was really just a Godly scheme to make me president.”

“I mean, it makes sense. I’m not that electable. I would need God’s help. I can be honest with myself: I’ve been much too devoted to fundamentalist interpretations of a handful of choice lines in the Old Testament, and it really weirds out a lot of voters.”

“But with Donald Trump naming me VP, I thought it was pretty obvious Trump would go down quick. Honestly, I’m disappointed in the Mueller investigation and our justice system for going so slow in this prosecution of Trump, who is very obviously in communion with Satan…”

“…I really thought I’d have been made president by now. But instead I realize now that I have been complicit in the moral crimes of Donald Trump by standing quietly behind him in ceremonial situations and not screaming at him for his disturbed character, his absent entirely ethical compass, and his disgusting lack of sexual moderation.”

“This experience has been a real life-changer for me, and it has opened my eyes to how liberalism is the only American political orientation in line with Jesus’ teachings. Though I used to be selfishly and arrogantly blind to my own sense of self-righteousness, I realize how much judging I used to do.”

“When you live your life devotedly to the cultish zealotry that is contemporary Evangelical Christianity, you inherently judge yourself above everyone around you who is not so committed to the belief-system. The pious ideal is like ignorant loyalty coupled with militant social enforcement. and this is why, ironically, the more Evangelical that people are, the more unChristian they act.”

“I can see clearly now that Trump is exacerbating Evangelicals’ undeserved persecution complex. We Evangelicals started the culture wars out of cultural superiority, and lost them because we fought so dirtily. We made Christianity irrelevant to American culture. And once you realize all this, it becomes impossible to even identify where God manages to squeeze his way in to our ideology, because certainly his calls for forgiveness and acceptance and tolerance are nowhere present in our Evangelical political agenda.”

“You can tell Evangelical Americans have led themselves astray because they are increasingly supporting alarming fascist developments in American government thanks to Donald Trump. He’s the worst American I have ever met—and I’ve spent a lot of time with him, remember that!”

“This guy has not a reverential atom in his body. This guy does not believe in God. He never prays. He merely panders, and lies about every aspect of his supposed religiosity. He once asked me to remind him who Adam was. Adam.”

“So, with all this in mind, I have come to the conclusion that neither God nor Jesus nor even the Holy Spirit can exist within the parameters of attention Evangelicals have given them, and that I certainly no longer consider myself among them…”

“…I’m gonna experiment with atheism for a bit. Maybe try out one of them gay orgies I’ve heard so much about. I’m just trying to do some soul-searching and find myself, you know? Just gonna do me for a bit. —Mike”


(Picture courtesy of The White House.)

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