Mike Pence Stuns America: “Vote Blue So Trump Gets Impeached and I Get His Job!”

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Washington D.C.

In a truly stunning Twitter thread, Vice President Mike Pence today announced that he early-voted straight-ticket blue.

“Look, I really want to be President,” Mr. Pence began the thread. “And I have seen Donald Trump do a lot of unethical, dishonest and illegal things. The guy lies constantly. He lies when I ask him what time it is, and he lies about what he ate for breakfast! I don’t even understand why he lies about such small things except that he’s just literally bat-shit insane!”

“And the Republican Party is outright bonkers! I have personally delivered to Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan dozens of binders documenting Trump’s copious acts of obstruction of justice, and they do nothing with them! They’re totally cowed!”

“Seriously, I gave them DOZENS OF BINDERS full of evidence of the Trump Org’s money laundering schemes, Trump’s tax returns full of Russian loans, his sham charities, his corrupt administration’s theft of tax dollars, and his paid collusion with Russian-Saudi-Israeli energy schemes, and nothing! What spineless gelatines! Don’t even get me started on emoluments clause violations!”

“So now, America, I am taking matters into my owns hands: I voted for Democrats up and down the ballot. I even voted against my brother who is running in Indiana! America needs Democrats to take the House and obtain power of subpoena so that the full extent of President Trump’s crimes and sins can be disclosed and he can be impeached.”

“And the best part about all of this is that, if Trump is impeached, I get to be President! Yass Kween! Republicans should all vote blue so they can get rid of Trump’s insanity and replace him with my stone cold, eldritch stability.”

“And for all the white supremacists, KKK members, and xenophobes who love Trump but would be apprehensive about my creepy Evangelical fundamentalism, just remember this: I’m racist, too, just like you, only I’m smart enough to not say racist shit out loud and publicly on Twitter!”

“So remember everybody: a vote for the Democratic Party is a vote for Mike Pence as President!”

 

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