Washington D.C.—
Ted Cruz just made a stunning announcement on Twitter that he will launch a presidential campaign to run against President Trump in the 2020 Election.
He outlined his campaign’s focus in the following thread of tweets:
“Ever since that sniveling coward Donald Trump called my wife a hideous lizard woman and accused my dad of assassinating JFK, I vowed to end his political career, and that is exactly what I intend to do this November!”
“Then when Donald Trump said that if I wasn’t their dad, he’d be dating my daughters, that was the last straw! I decided to go all in, and #LockHimUp once I’m in office! So, henceforth, I am launching a presidential campaign that will make me, Ted Cruz, the POTUS in January of 2021!”
“And for all the nationalists and incels who like Trump, allow me to convince you that I could do fascism much better than him! On my 1st day in office, I’ll launch a new special police force loyal solely to me, where all the incels who want to join will have free range to commit whatever crimes they want with full legal immunity!”
“I’ll call it the Cruz Youth, and I’ve been dreaming about them since the 4th grade. Cruz Youth members will learn how to discriminate against Hispanics much more than Trump has ever let you! He’s just not very energetic about fascism, so try mine instead! And I know you’re all thinking how I’m Hispanic myself, but it’s okay…”
“…Because Hitler had a Jewish grandmother, and wasn’t Aryan-looking despite his xenophobic taste for blondes. So if Hitler was inconsistent, I can be inconsistent, too! And unlike Trump, I’ve never had any friendship with Jeffrey Epstein so you don’t have to worry about me being a pedophile! I never got invited to his parties, and never got let in when I’d knock on the door!”
“So vote Ted Cruz in 2020. My Cruz Youth will have brown shirts, just like the Nazis. I’ll rename our government the 4th Reich, and I’ve even designed my own new model of a car for Volkswagen! Compare that to Trump’s laziness and general ignorance all things relating to governance!”
“The truth is that Donald Trump is a moron, so his fascism just isn’t that effective. Stephen Miller works hard, but his talents are wasted in the Trump Administration. I’m prepared to name Stephen Miller as my VP, and I vow to try much harder to create a dictatorial hellscape for the US than Trump has!”
“And you don’t have to worry about me spending every third day in office golfing like Trump because I literally have no friends. You’ll never see me on the green hobnobbing with elites. I’ll be busy thinking up new, innovative ways to crush my enemies and arrest my critics. So vote Ted Cruz this November for fascism you can trust!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post Is Available Now!
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Twitter here, Facebook here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here and subscribe to our Substack newsletter The Halfway Café here.
The Halfway Post 
3 thoughts