Ted Cruz Announces He’s Running Against Trump For 2020, Says He Can Do Fascism “Way Better”

Washington D.C.—

Ted Cruz just made a stunning announcement on Twitter that he will launch a presidential campaign to run against President Donald Trump in the 2020 Election.

He outlined his campaign strategy in the following tweet thread:

“Ever since that sniveling coward called my wife a 4 out of 10, I vowed I would end his political career, and that is exactly what I intend to do this November. When he accused my dad of assassinating JFK, I vowed to beat him by a landslide in the GOP primary!”

“And then when Donald Trump said that if Ted Cruz wasn’t her dad, he’d be dating my 15-year-old daughter (like a total pedophile), I said I’d #LockHimUp once I’m in office! So henceforth I am launching a presidential campaign that will make me, Ted Cruz, the POTUS in January of 2021!”

“And for all the nationalists and incels who like Trump, allow me to convince you that I could do fascism way better than Trump! On my 1st day in office, I’ll launch a new special police force loyal solely to me, and I’ll call it the Cruz Youth. I’ve been dreaming about it since the 4th grade. Cruz Youth members will learn how to use the law to discriminate against Hispanics much more than Trump ever has!”

“And I know you’re all thinking how I’m Hispanic myself, but it’s okay, because Hitler had a Jewish grandmother, and wasn’t Aryan-looking despite his xenophobic taste for blondes. Anything Hitler can do, you can count on Ted Cruz to do better than Trump! And unlike Trump, I’ve never had any contact with Jeffrey Epstein. I never got invited to his parties, and wouldn’t be let in when I knocked on the door!”

“So vote Ted Cruz in 2020. My Cruz Youth will have brown shirts, just like the nazis. I’ll rename our government the 4th Reich, and I’ve even designed my own new model of a car for Volkswagen! Compare that to Trump’s laziness. The truth is that Donald Trump is an idiot, so his fascism isn’t that effective. I’m so ambitious that you can rest assured I will try so much harder to create a dictatorial hellscape for the US!”

“And you don’t have to worry about me spending every third day in office golfing like Trump because I don’t have friends. Nobody likes me, so you won’t be seeing me on the green hobnobbing with elites. I’ll be busy thinking up new, innovative ways to crush my enemies. So vote Ted Cruz this November!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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