Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump today gave America in a press conference on coronavirus another one of his homeopathic suggestions to fight COVID-19.
Previously, he has recommended taking the malaria drug hydroxychloroquine, and injecting lysol or other disinfectants into the bloodstream or ingesting it into the lungs.
Real doctors and medical professionals have been horrified at these suggestions, quickly pointing out that hydroxychloroquine has in no way been tested for effectiveness or safety in association with coronavirus infection, and the makers of Lysol and other disinfectants have warned consumers that their products should in no way be administered into the body.
Mr. Trump’s newest recommendation, however, raised some controversy immediately after he announced it.
“We’ve been hearing great things about cures for coronavirus, and we’ve been hearing great things about people, or whole families really, filling up their bathtubs with urine and bathing in it for week while quarantined,” said Trump. “It’s had some great early results, with families really protecting themselves that way. A lot of people don’t know this, but urine is actually sterile, so if you soak in it once or twice a day, the sterile urine will actually kill all the coronavirus germs. It’s like 100% effective.”
Dr. Anthony Fauci could be seen at the side of the room doing a facepalm.
“We’ve done the best job against COVID-19 out of any President in US history,” Trump continued, “And I am confident these golden baths will bend the curve way, way low. It’s almost like magic. It’s a beautiful thing. And once everyone is soaking up in bathtubs, we’ll be able to get the economy open and going back at full speed in no time. Just be sure to really soak in the urine, okay? You gotta really get clean. I’ve seen recommendations that you really have to let it in, so to speak. You have to open your mouth and do some mouth washing, you have to dip your head underneath and open your eyes, and pull on your ears, and really open up your butthole. It’s like a magical enema. If you open up your cheeks, the disinfecting urine can go up your colon, clean out your tubes and stomach, the fumes will get into your lungs and brain and kill the virus there, and maybe it will all just come out your mouth back into the tub for the next family member to clean themselves.”
White House staffers were quick to point out that no one in the White House reportedly knows where the President got this information. The best guess is that he follows Russian trolls on Twitter and that, essentially, he’s been pranked into believing urine will end the COVID spread.
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