Trump Not Sure Who To Blame For Low Polls, But Knows It’s Not His Fault

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump has gotten a lot of bad news lately about the state of his campaign for reelection, with polls showing his toxic existence bringing down the Republican Party in states as reliably conservative in recent years as Arizona, North Carolina, and even Texas.

Mr. Trump has lashed out during campaign meetings, and tried to blame his campaign manager, Brad Parscale, but staffers have tried to suggest his poll numbers might improve if he’d stop recommending Americans ingest disinfectant products, claiming the coronavirus wasn’t a big deal, and giving massive bailouts to companies that have furloughed all their employees.

That’s when a campaign add recorded this rant from the President, and send it to The Halfway Post anonymously:

“Donald J. Trump will not lose to sleepy Joe Biden, okay?” said Trump. “Donald Trump does not lose at anything. The last time I lost was in second grade when I got out in dodgeball, and so I stole the ball, ran home, grabbed scissors, and popped the ball so none of the other kids could play. I hate those kids. They’re so low, they’re the worst of the worst. Vermin. Even today, they’re all still losers. They will always be losers. Because I didn’t get out in dodgeball, they all got out. I’ve thought it over so much, maybe a thousand times since second grade, and the only conclusion is they all cheated somehow. The entire dodgeball game was rigged against me. It’s the only explanation. None of those other second graders were so good at dodging or throwing as me. They all were talking about it back then. They’d say, Donald Trump, you have the strongest arm in class, and the best dodging of anyone else in second grade. It’s unbelievable. They couldn’t believe how strong and good at dodgeball I was. So it was rigged. It was rigged. There’s no other way. So I don’t regret taking the ball and ruining it. Donald J. Trump is a winner, and if he’s not, then the game was clearly rigged. And I’ll do the same thing if sleepy Joe beats me in November. I will take America home, and defile it. I will ruin America for everyone if it’s rigged against me. I’ve never liked rigged games, and our elections are maybe the most rigged game in history. It’s so unfair. No one is treated worse than me, Even if I win, it’s going to be rigged. I deserve 90% of the vote, and if I get anything lower, it’s going to be because of the Democrats and their tens of millions of illegal immigrants. Donald J. Trump does not lose elections, okay? Just like he doesn’t lose at dodgeball. It was rigged, and I wish all those second graders who called me a baby for popping the ball get locked up. They’re the puppets!”

The recording showed there was an awkward pause in the meeting. Then Trump continued.

“If I lose, I’m going straight to OANN. I’m going to get my own show where I can talk about whatever I want. Or start my own cable news network. Call it the Trump News Network. My news won’t be fake, like all the other news. And unlike my presidential predecessors, I’m not going to be quiet about the next president. I’m going to complain so much. They want a baby by not reelecting me? I’ll give them the biggest baby they’ve ever seen! I’ll give all my opinions on everything, and make America sorry they never reelected me! I’m going to take the ball home and pop it! Pop it! Donald J. Trump does not lose at dodgeball! Strong arms! Great dodging! Big brain! Donald J. Trump does not lose! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ah! Ah! AAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Best dodger of all time! Tremendous dodging! Big, beautiful dodging! Ahhhhhhhhh! Ah! Ahhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.