Washington D.C.—
Joe Biden just announced a press conference for later today, and he promised “you won’t want to miss it.”
According to Biden campaign insiders, Biden is planning to come out to the podium with bright orange makeup on, his hair dyed bright yellow and styled like Donald Trump’s ridiculous combover, an oversized tie, and a pillow in his shirt.
“We’ve done lots of polling that suggests unambiguously that mocking Trump and highlighting his obvious personal insecurities revolving around his physical appearance does very well in inspiring self-identifying Trump supporters to stay home on election day,” explained Biden staffer Finnegan O’Malley. “It turns out that, because MAGA fans are such a**holes who love bullying, this is a much more effective technique to stifle Trump enthusiasm than trying to seem above-the-fray. So you can expect from here on out for Biden to get into the gutter with Trump, and really emasculate him.”
The following are details Mr. Biden has reportedly incorporated into his Trump impression:
- Brightly dyed hair in a combover
- Eye-wateringly thick orange foundation makeup
- Long red tie
- Pillow in his shirt
- Fake teeth he’ll “accidentally let slip” as he slurs his speech and lets them fall out onto the podium
- He’ll walk in front of the podium and do that weird leaning forward thing where Trump’s back is at a 45-degree angle, and then show off his shoe lifts to the crowd
- He’ll start his speech with low energy, then make a line of crushed up B-12 vitamins like fake Adderall, snort it, and then start sniffling like Trump does
- He’ll make jokes about dating his daughter
- He’ll lead several chants of “lock him up”
- He’ll sprinkle in lots of Trump phrases like “believe me,” “trust me,” and “a lot of people don’t know this, but…”
- He’ll mention several times how he hates sharks
- He’ll fake-divorce his wife Jill onstage
- An aide will bring him a black boot, he’ll pour ketchup all over it, and then he’ll announce that this is how he likes his steaks
- He’ll fake-call Vladimir Putin and beg for new loans, fake news peddling on social media, and other collusion campaign gifts
- He’ll call up all of his campaign staffers one at a time, and they’ll all get arrested for various crimes by an actor playing a cop
- He’ll pretend to get several fake phone calls, one from his bank forcing him into bankruptcy, another from Michael Cohen saying the National Enquirer couldn’t catch and kill the Jeffrey Epstein pedophile stories, and a third from a lawyer saying “Biden University” was being sued for fraud
- Barack Obama will make an appearance, come onstage, and Biden will lead him in a 5-minute improv scene in which he begs Obama to take the blame for COVID-19
- A chorus of singers dressed like the Toad character from Mario will come onstage and sing the theme to Mario video games a cappella
The press conference will last for three hours.
From The Halfway Post vault:
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