Things Donald Trump Has Put Ketchup On

The following are all instances of President Donald Trump indulging in his noted passion for ketchup:

Well-done steak.

Well-done hotdogs.

Well-done salmon filets.

Caesar salads.

Sunburned skin to revitalize and nourish the damaged cells.

In his nostrils to pretend he had a bloody nose to get out of gym class in middle school and high school because the pull-up bar was “rigged against him.”

His daughter Ivanka (from ages 6 months to 15 years old and then 23 years old to 27 years old) for various, unconfirmed reasons.

His bald head to stimulate hair growth.

Russian hookers.

Any New York Times cover page that shows polls suggesting Biden will beat him.

The television screen when Don Lemon’s CNN show comes on.

The television screen any time Megyn Kelly comes on Fox News, and he smothers it over her crotch to simulate Kelly “bleeding from her wherever,” and then he claps his little hands together dancing around in front of the screen shouting “Nasty woman! Nasty woman!”

Eric and Don Jr. on a weekly basis to show them very graphically he wishes he had aborted them.

He lost his virginity to a bottle of ketchup in 1954. His dad caught him doing it once, and he shouted “It’s not what it looks like, although it is what it tastes like!”

When he comes home from particularly stressful days he likes to soak his feet in a bucket of chilled ketchup while listening to The Art of the Deal on audiotape while Lindsey Graham massages his shoulders and feeds him McDonalds’ French fries one at a time dipping them into the ketchup first.

He has asked all his wives to make and wear a ketchup bikini, but none of them would

The following desserts: jello, chocolate pudding, vanilla ice cream, and birthday cake.

Well-done philly cheesesteaks.

He smears it on his balls for Ted Cruz, Sean Hannity, and Jim Jordan to lick off when he teabags them once a month.

In his nostrils to pretend he has a bloody nose to get out of listening to presidential daily briefings.

From The Halfway Post vault:

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