Ted Cruz Says His Haters Are Just “Jealous” Of His “Charming Personality”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

Washington D.C.—

Senator Ted Cruz is a frequent Twitter complainer, and whines frequently about how often he gets mocked over his political career and personal existence.

Mr. Cruz told The Halfway Post in a phone conversation this morning that his haters were just jealous.

“I understand why people in the media and most public places I go tend to gang up and pick on me,” said Cruz. “They’re just intimidated by my masculinity. I’ve had this intimidating effect on other boys and men since high school, when the freshmen would never let me go to their parties, even though I was a senior, and I brought alcohol. They’d take the alcohol, but then lock the doors and close the shades when I’d go around the house knocking on the windows and looking inside hoping someone would let me in. Same thing in college. I used to bring marijuana to house parties and offer to share if they’d all sign oaths swearing to vote for me for president when I ran in the future, but then it turned out that my dealer was just giving me bags of grass clippings from mowing his lawn, and weed doesn’t cost $500 per gram. But I’ve always been really popular. My college roommate Craig Mazin has made a lot of unfounded claims about me being unliked at Princeton, but he told all kinds of lies about me. Like when he said he walked in on me watching squirrel porn several times. I told him a million times I was doing research for a term paper in a biology class that I later dropped so the class is not listed on my transcript anywhere if you look for it, and I was only naked because I just happened to be doing laundry all those times. And I only had rope tied tightly around my neck because I was simultaneously doing research for a class on civil rights injustices that I also later dropped, so that doesn’t show on my college transcript either!”

The Halfway Post reporter asked Mr. Cruz if he was getting off track, and Cruz apologized.

“So, what I mean to say is that the haters only mock me because they’re jealous that I’m the James Dean of the Senate. They’re probably mad that their wives gossip about me and fantasize about being Mrs. Ted Cruz. Their wives wish they had husbands as charming, debonaire, and witty as me! Seriously, I’m really funny. When I tell the womenfolk jokes, sometimes my cleverness makes them skip laughing entirely and just throw up! I’ve been vomited on so many times. I think it’s because my boyish charm makes women so nervous about trying to impress me and keep up with me intellectually. I had a big problem in my twenties and thirties dating because women would always vomit all over me. Especially when I’d try to lean in for a kiss, or hug them, or invite them out on a second date. I bet all my Democratic colleagues in the Senate never made women regularly throw up! I just can’t control my manliness, you know? Now, I know you’re probably thinking about Lindsey Graham’s claim that none of my Senate colleagues like me, and that if I was murdered in the Senate and the trial was prosecuted there that the murderer wouldn’t be found guilty. But Lindsey Graham is a prosecutor, that’s just how he flirts. And he gets nervous around me, too. When I asked him if he’d be my running mate back in 2016, he was so overcome with anxiety over working with the best future president in history that he just burst out laughing. Then I had to ask Carly Fiorina, who was my second choice, and she accepted immediately… right after first vomiting all over me.”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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